Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Not-At-All-Live Blogging of The Bachelor - Sunrise Edition

I didn't watch The Bachelor last night when it aired, because three evening hours in one week is simply too much to devote to Sean, the world's most boring bachelor.
Except that, Sean honey, you are not a virgin. Born-again virginity is not a real thing. Christians, please stop trying to make that a thing.

So this is your early-morning recap because I woke up at 5 am for no good reason. I think it's because I have a lot to do in a short amount of time because I am the world's most proficient procrastinator.

OK, here goes. Tonight's very special (drink) edition of The Bachelor: Sean Tells All.

Chris Harrison has to do a lot more work than usual this episode. He's really earning that paycheck.

These bachelor/bachelorettes always say they have developed strong feelings for the final three. Always. It must be in the contract. I have never had strong feelings for three people at once. Or even two people at once. I've had strong feelings for one person at once. I just don't have the stamina for more than that.

Sean is telling "all" about Desiree's brother confronting him on the show. I don't think the brother did anything that bad. Hello, Sean, you are on a TV SHOW WHERE YOU DATE 20 PLUS WOMEN AT ONCE. I'm pretty sure my brother would question your sincerity, too.

Sean is the furthest thing from a playboy, he says. And we know that since he's a born-again virgin celibate.

Ohhh, they edited out the part where the brother said Sean seems like a nice dude. Did he drink some crazy for dinner?

"What do you think precipitated that turn?" Chris asks. "Was it our producers pulling the brother aside and encouraging him to go off on you? That was it, wasn't it? Yep. This show is crap. Where's my paycheck? Are we done yet? I've worked ten minutes."

When Desiree got kicked off, she told Sean she thought she could make him happy. She cried in the limo about how she just wants to make someone happy.

Let's discuss this phrasing. It is extremely important to find someone you can be happy with. However, you can not make someone else happy. You can not be responsible for another person's happiness. This is old lady talk. At 24, you think you can make someone happy. By 40, you (hopefully) know better.

Make yourself happy. You can be incredibly awesome and loving and amazing and still not make someone else happy. So don't put that on yourself. Find someone who knows how to be happy on his own.

OK, Sean is about to tell all about the one-armed girl who I have finally learned is named Sarah. On Sean's first one-on-one with Sarah, he took her on this crazy zipline sort of ride down the side of a building, so she could possibly lose another limb.

While this show is on, Tweets about the show are flashing on the bottom of the screen and they are proof that humanity is doomed.  #IhateTwitter

Sean says he sent Sarah home because when he kissed her there was no passion.

Sarah getting kicked off the show was the one time I felt an emotion about this show other than disdain. Poor Sarah.

Now we're on to Selma, who was raised Muslim and wouldn't kiss Sean. "To hear I couldn't kiss her on the lips was shocking, to say the least," he says.

So instead they did some Eskimo kissing and butterfly kisses. I just threw up. I haven't been this nauseated in the morning since my pregnancies.

I bet the born-again virgin does a lot of creative stuff since he doesn't put the p in the v anymore.

Sean says he would have kept Lesley if she could have relaxed and said she loved him. Yes, ladies, RELAX and tell that guy you've been on one date with that you love him. Men love that.

Bachelor rules are totally applicable to real life.

OK, we're 30 minutes in and I'm questioning my life choices. But I do that every morning.

Commercial break.

And we're back with the "very special edition." That word has lost all meaning.

It's time to talk about Tierra, the most insane person to ever be on The Bachelor. Except for this woman from a previous season:

Now we get to relive Tierra's fight with AshLee about how both of them have stupid first names.

Sean says he feels like he was duped by Tierra. She was not "suited" for this show and couldn't handle herself in this environment.

Chris addresses the fact that people think Tierra was a plant, the producers made him keep Tierra, etc. Yes, Chris, everyone does think that.

Sean said he felt like the women were focusing too much on Tierra and "not on me."

Focus on the man, ladies. Never turn away. Look at Chris Harrison, now back at me. Now look at Chris. Sadly, he isn’t me, but if he stopped using ladies scented body wash and switched to Old Spice, he could smell like he’s me. Look down, back up, where are you? You’re on a boat with the man your man could smell like. What’s in your hand, back at me. I have it, it’s an oyster with two tickets to that thing you love. Look again, the tickets are now diamonds. Anything is possible when your man smells like Old Spice and not a lady. I’m on a horse.

Showing all the women sniping at Tierra and her back at them is for me. I hate this sort of "entertainment."

Kate says this kind of thing sounds like this:

"No, you're a memememememememe."

 Kate doesn't watch The Bachelor. She does watch Pretty Little Liars and I constantly interrupt to say, "Now, you know that behavior is wrong, don't you?" And she says, "Yes, Mom, I know I shouldn't stalk my friends or set houses on fire."

Just making sure.

Back from commercial: Ashley P. is the one who introduced herself to Sean by pulling out a gray tie, a reference to the WORST BOOK EVER WRITTEN, Fifty Shades of Grey.

It's been awhile since this book has come up, so I'm just going to reiterate that I hate everyone who thinks that book is good. I guess Ashley wanted to entice Sean into a little S&M and fisting. Little did she know that Jesus is totally against fisting. (Confession: I honestly don't know what that is. I mean, I think I know, but my mind rejects any further thought on the logistics of it, so let's move on.)

Ashley didn't make it long on the show because she told Sean about a million times that her mom was in love with him. Yeah, that's weird.

"I have really started to fall for all three women," Sean says of the final three. "I have no idea who I'm going to send home."

Viewers have a certain expectation of what takes place in the fantasy suite, Chris says about the next episode, which will take place in Thailand.

Sean says it's a great opportunity to be alone with the women, blah, blah, blah.

Chris is pushing for some sex talk. "The expectation... is this is a chance to spend the night doing whatever you want, a chance to be physical. What do you say to that?"

Sean says, "It's really none of your business."

Yep. Fisting. That's what I thought.

We only have two episodes left! Then I will have my Mondays free again to do something productive like question my life choices.

Um, the show ends with a gratuitous shower scene showing Sean and featuring porn-movie music.

It's like Cinemax After Dark all of a sudden.

Sidenote: You know me, I FULLY support marriage equality. But I cannot get on board with this unholy pairing of the bowling ball and the mop in the Swiffer commercial. That's just wrong.

Happy Wednesday, my friends!


  1. I'm just spitballing here, but wouldn't it be great if the Swiffer mop were The Bachelor, and the broom, balling ball, etc., were competing for his love---complete with crying scenes in the limo, etc.?? Chris Harrison would still be on board, naturally. Someone needs to make this happen!

    1. This has to happen! Someone call the Swiffer people!

  2. I confessed previously my love of the Bachelor, I have never missed a season. But this season has made me rethink the whole thing, Sean makes me want to scream and puke all at the same time... the best part is your play-by-play!
    And the bowling ball is pushing even my limits of acceptability ... get a nice broom for gods sake!

    1. I think Arie would have made a WAY better Bachelor!

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