Monday, February 4, 2013

Monday Ramblings - Half-Assed Live Blogging of The Bachelor

I watch The Bachelor so I can feel better about myself, because I enjoy judging stupid people.

There, I said it. It's not pretty. I use a reality dating show to boost my floundering ego.

I have decided to very actively and intentionally let go and let the Doobie Brothers. But today a Facebook friend posted about her recent trip to New York to meet her publishing team at Harper Collins.

I am SO happy for her.

I want to burn her house down. 

I'm kidding. I would never do that. I want to burn down Harper Collins.

So, here I sit, ready to watch idiots bounce around a mansion and make fools of themselves with the sole purpose of winning an engagement ring from the dopiest, most boring Ken Doll in Bachelor history.

Every story the girls tell Ken Doll during their private conversation sounds like this, "So when I was a child (insert sad childhood memory) and I was so, like, (appropriate sad emotion) and my dad never, like, (something dads should do). [wipes away tears] That's why, like, it's so important to me that (we make out now/you give me a rose/we start a family once you get rid of all those other bitches).

Every response Ken Doll gives sounds like this, "Every time I'm with you, you surprise me in a good way. You are so special. What's your name again?"

Here is what the other 110 minutes of the show sounds like: "I need to talk to Ken Doll. I can't take this anymore! None of these bitches are here for the right reason!"

Naturally, one of the commercials during The Bachelor is for Safe Haven, the Nicholas Sparks-penned film about Woman with Sad Past meeting Man with Dead Wife. Go here to read my review of it.

As we've discussed before, when it comes to romantic movies, dead wives are the BEST!  Here's why: Because the dead spouse shows that the man is capable of committing, but there's no annoying living ex-wife to deal with. This also shows the man has a deep wound - deep wounds are sexy - and that deep wound needs to be healed by Woman with Sad Past's sweet lovin' up against a tree in the rain.

Oh yeah.

Nicholas Sparks is the Mark Twain of romance novels. In that Mark Twain can't write worth a damn. Because he's dead. That's a pretty good excuse. Nicholas Sparks, however, has no excuse.

Oh my gosh, one of the girls on The Bachelor just spoke about herself in the third person! "When Selma gets angry, Selma gets angry." Direct quote.

I'm not even going to make fun of it because that is hilarious. I'm going to do that next time I get SO angry about how some man is dating me PLUS 25 women with whom I am sharing a house.

In the next segment, one of the crazy girls came up behind Ken Doll and put her hands over his eyes.

Let's just clear this up right now: Only hugely annoying people sneak up behind you and cover your eyes. In fact, people who do this are THE WORST. That's not hyperbole. They are literally the worst.

Ooh, which brings me to this fun snippet from a day in the life of me and my spawn. Jacob was unhappy with a parenting decision I made and he said, "Mom, you are literally Hitler."

I said, " I am literally Hitler?"

"OK, you are metaphorically Hitler."

He makes me proud every day.

Oh man, now some woman is crying on The Bachelor. I feel like someone's mean dad, but seriously, I'll come back there and give you dummies something worth crying about!

Speaking of bachelors and marriage, today Kate asked me if I was ever going to get married again.

I said, "I don't know. Maybe. If I meet someone and love him and I want to spend my life with him."

She said, "You can't just go your whole life not getting married!"

I reminded her that I have, in fact, been married before. "Duh, Mom, I know that. You were married to Cherles."

That's not a misspelling. This is how she and her brother have always said Charles: Cherles rhymes with pearls. I really have no idea why. It's like an inside joke that everyone has forgotten the origin of. It's one of my favorite things for some weird reason.

She said, "Yes, but you need to find your true love!"

Oh goodness, someone is a romantic.

I said, "You're right. Where is he?"

"I don't know. Maybe he's stuck in a tree."


ACK! Back to The Bachelor! This woman just used her dead fiance story to get a rose from Ken Doll.

Gross. So gross.

There are 45 minutes left in this show. How in the world do they drag this show out to two hours every week?

I think I'm too bored to carry on. I will sum up the rest of the show:

"You are so special. I can tell how special you are. I will now make out with you for ten minutes before I meet with the next girl in line and make out with her."

Rose Ceremony.

"I'm so sorry I had to let [random girl] go. She was so special."

Tiny pause for appropriate sadness.

"BUT next week we're all going to [insert tropical destination here]."

Woo hoo!

Cut to [random girl] crying in limo.

Next week's promo: The most dramatic rose ceremony/group date/one-on-one/transmission of VD yet.

Good night!

Related posts:
Withholding Judgement Is For Losers: A Film Review
A Very Special Lifetime Christmas Movie
Letting Go and Letting the Doobie Brothers


  1. I watch The Bachelor for the same reasons.

  2. Seriously, two hours! I couldn't make it. I watched about half an hour. Glad to see you couldn't bring yourself to recap live blog it for two hours, either--glad it's not just me!

  3. glorious, amy. as glorious as my hatred for the dimwitted broads on the bachelor.

  4. Sitting here with a friend drinkin hot toddies, watching foolish women (and a foolish man), listening to her laugh at this post and crossing my fingers that you're blogging tonight's too.

  5. laugh and applause and laugh and applause. really.


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