Note: I'm starting it 35 minutes in because I had to watch The Walking Dead first. Now I will begin what my friend Kim called my "ADD play by play" of The Bachelor.
It's time for the hometown dates.
The first hometown date is with AshLee in Houston. They're going to have a picnic because romance isn't romance if it's not a big cliche in a field.
AshLee's dog is named Bailey. It's probably spelled BayLee.
Sean thinks today will be very intense and emotional and other words he doesn't really know the meaning of.
AshLee has fallen "into love with" Sean. It's like falling into mud with someone but probably less fun.
And obviously less dirty since Sean is a virgin.
Wait, I just Googled US Weekly and it says he's a "born-again virgin."
Just watch these few seconds for my reaction.
No, that is not a thing. Seriously, people. Give it up.
The story says he had sex in college, but as a "religious Christian (he) no longer believes in premarital sex."
Well, that's convenient.
When people say they don't "believe" in something, it makes it sound like they think it doesn't exist. Like how I don't believe in fairies or leprechauns or journalists at Fox News.
You know what's always fascinated me? That story about how Muslims are rewarded with 72 virgins when they get to heaven.
First of all, there is no greater proof that this version of "heaven" was totally made up by a man.
And secondly, why would you want a bunch of virgins? Virgins don't know what the hell they're doing.
Also, once you run out of virgins, then what?
Dumb. So dumb.
Anyway, I'm pretty sure that 72 virgins in heaven thing isn't even in the Qur'an. Or it says something about 72 wives and a zillion servants.
Again, MADE UP BY MEN WHO ARE LAZY ASSES AND WANT TO BE SERVED.
OK, we're done with AshLee. FinaLee.
Now we're in Seattle with Catherine. They're at the fish market tossing fish around.
Catherine is pretty cute and seems less unstable than AshLee.
Catherine's sisters are surprised that she's serious about Sean. I guess she went on the show because it would be fun. That's definitely my idea of fun. Me competing with 24 other women for the attentions of a born-again virgin! So fun.
Catherine's sisters are talking to Sean and making Catherine sound like a bipolar slob.
Sean just called Catherine incredibly special. Drink whenever Sean says "special."
Let's go back to the virgin thing for a second. He's a religious Christian so premarital sex is wrong, but making out with a lot of women all on the same night is totally cool with Jesus? Is that the part that says, "Thou shalt love one another as I have loved you and ram your tongue down the throats of as many people as possible before sunrise."
OK, that's enough of Catherine.
Now we're off to Missouri to meet Lindsay's family.
Lindsay is falling in love with Sean, too. I think it must be because he's so boring and has such a great vocabulary.
The strong winds here are messing with my satellite dish. I hope I didn't miss Sean using the word "special." Take a drink just in case.
This army stuff is annoying me. It's so freaking lame. This is what soldiers are fighting for, your right to go on TV looking for a wife, dressing up in an Army outfit and doing sit-ups. Blech.
Lindsay's dad is a two-star general. His job is "making men," Sean says.
Lindsay says if her dad doesn't like Sean, it will be a dealbreaker.
Why is this show two hours long? An hour is more than reasonable.
Sean asks the two-star general for his blessing. "Excuse me, sir, if I choose your daughter out of the three women to propose to, do I have your blessing?"
The two-star general is giving Sean some dog tags. It's all very lovely and dumb. Lindsay tells Sean she's falling in love with him. He says, "Um...you're special." (I made that up. I wasn't even listening. Drink anyway.)
OK, that's enough Lindsay.
Now it's time for the hometown date with Desiree in Los Angeles.
Desiree plays a ridiculous, not at all funny prank on Sean to make him believe some guy has come over to tell her he's in love with her. Wow. Hardy had har. Practical jokes are hilarious. Booo.
The moms are always so nice and excited for their daughters. Whyyyy? This will not end well. Do these people never watch the show?
Desiree's brother is skeptical.
And there's a news report about a fire in downtown Birmingham and a minor explosion. Yikes. I'm missing the brother getting angry, dammit!
And we're back.
Desiree's brother is very "passionate" that this isn't going to work. He asks to speak to Sean alone. He says that Desiree is into Sean, but Sean is not into Desiree. Sean's face is so red. The awkwardness is killing me right now.
Sean is full of bull shit. The brother says, "You don't know who you're going to choose yet."
Sean says no, that decision has not "been laid on my heart yet."
I'll be back after I finish throwing up.
This very serious music is making me believe that this is very serious.
Sean topless in his closet. Sean's boobs are bigger than mine. For real.
It's time for Chris Harrision to do his five minutes of work this week. He's sitting down to talk to Sean about the hometown dates. Don't work too hard, Chris.
"Are all four women literally on the chopping block tonight?" Chris asks.
Yes, Chris. LITERALLY!
Watch your heads, ladies!
Sean isn't sure what he's going to do. It's time to stare at framed photos of the ladies and then, literally, chop someone's head off.
Random note: I watched The Walking Dead right before this and there was some uber-disgusting head chopping in this episode.
Rose #1: ---
Wait. Desiree wants to talk to Sean really quickly to let him know that she's sorry about how her brother behaved.
Back to Rose #1: AshLee happiLee accepts the rose.
Rose #2: Lindsay
Rose #3: -- Nope. No one's getting the third rose yet. Sean leaves the room.
IT'S THE MOST DRAMATIC ROSE CEREMONY EVER.
Or not. I mean, no one has literally lost their head yet. It's no Walking Dead.
Chris Harrison comes in to do 35 more seconds of work.
Geez, just give out the damn rose already.
Rose #3: Catherine.
Congratulations, Desiree's brother, you totally cockblocked your sister tonight.
Never mind, I'm kidding. Jesus cockblocked her first.
It's time to cry in the limo.
What? This shit is coming on again tomorrow night?!
Dammit. Ain't nobody got time for that.