Monday, February 11, 2013

Half-Assed Live Blogging of The Bachelor

Quick recap of last week's episode: "I knew you six were the six for me."

The bachelor and the six contestants are on a plane to St. Croix.

It does not crash.

Tierra is wearing a sideways cross necklace. I'm not an expert, but I think that's a sign she's the devil.

Ashley is 32 years old and, according to Tierra, Ashley is an old maid.

"Why hasn't she found someone she can settle down with? She's, like, 32 years old!"

OMG.

I wonder how many cats Ashley has.


The bachelor is talking about how he's seen another side of Ashley, her vulnerability and her strength, while the camera pans down her body while she strips off her shorts and shirt to reveal her bathing suit.

Say what you will about how this show is truly ridiculous, but the editing is hilarious and, I have no doubt, purposely done.

It's like when you see a headline in a newspaper that has a dirty meaning and everyone at the paper pretends like it was unintentional? Please. It totally happened on purpose.

My friend the late Tim Greening once wrote a column about possible new names for the baseball team in Shreveport, the Shreveport Captains. The column went through our editor with no problem. By that afternoon, Tim felt completely guilty. He messaged me several times. "I need to tell them to take that name out." Of course, I said, "What? Are you kidding? It's already to the copy desk. Let's just see how far it goes."

Clearly, Tim was a better person than I. He went to the copy desk and sheepishly asked them to remove the possibly offensive name.

It was the Shreveport Spank Monkeys.

OK, back to The Bachelor.

They're having a date on the beach. I love how much they emphasize Ashley trusting Sean and how important this is. Um, he's dating five other women and he's going to dump five people along the way to a totally phony engagement.

I TRUST there's going to be some douchebaggery up in here.

Now Ashley has a big secret to tell him.

She's a man.

It's going to be make-or-break, she says.

The build-up is making me think she went to jail.

Fifteen years ago...build-up....build-up...build-up...

She killed her mom.

Nope. She married the high school boyfriend at 17.

She was a married high school junior (divorced by senior year).

Meh.

It's been 15 years.

Who wants to be judged based on crap they did in high school?


Stuff I did in high school:

Snuck out of the house twice.

Drank a lot.

I mean, a lot a lot. It was Louisiana.

Cried over my dumb high school boyfriend a lot.

I mean, a lot a lot.

Did as little homework as possible.

Had a huge party when my mom was out of town for the Rolling Stones concert in Dallas.

Stole Christmas decorations from someone's front yard. I will not name the names of the other people who were with me. See you guys in hell!


Oh dear Lord, this girl just said she loves Sean.

They've been on one date. Maybe two. I'm not very good at keeping up with this stuff.


It's time for the first one-on-one date with Tierra, who is clearly insane.

Here's a little tip for you guys out there: If a woman doesn't get along with other women, she's probably a bitch. No, other women don't dislike her because she's so beautiful. Please. I have a lot of friends and they are all beautiful. Women don't like to hang out with women who are egotistical pains in the arse. Simple as that. And don't act all surprised if you marry this woman who has no female friends and you discover you're married to a bitch.

I like Tierra's turquoise necklace.

Sean should put on more sunscreen.

I am bored out of my mind already.

Can we retire "journey?"

Not the band.

The word.

Every reality show uses that word nonstop. "Your journey ends tonight." "I hope our journey continues."

This is the only Journey I want to hear:



Back from commercial break:
Sean is sneaking into the women's room and taking photos of them first waking up.


Now it's time for a group date.

They're all in a jeep together taking a road trip.

The jeep doesn't crash.


There are three women on this "date" with Sean. I just don't get it. It's such a weird thing. I can't imagine being one of these women trying to get the attention of this man. It seems incredibly humiliating in every possible way.

Ooh, speaking of not dating douchebags - yes, that's what we were discussing - I did the best thing awhile back. I made a very conscious decision not to date someone I shouldn't date. Hell, even Kate had said, "Please tell me you're not going to date _____ again." Seventh-graders recognize when someone isn't the right guy. I realized that whenever he was around, my stomach hurt. Like twisted-into-knots, your-body-is-trying-to-tell-you-something hurt.

So I said, "I'm not going to be seeing you. I wish you all the best. It's not you, it's me," etc.

And I sang this song:


These girls look good in bikinis. Can you imagine the stress of having to be on television in your bathing suit? No thank you.


Now there's some making out.

Sloppy tenths.


OK, next girl. Catherine. Yes, I'm trying to listen to their names now that there are only six of them.

"I can tell she wants to tell me something," Sean says.

Good grief, does everyone have a sad story to tell this man? Apparently so.

Oh crap, her dad had a suicide attempt in front of her and her sisters.

Geez. He went away. They don't really see him.

Dammit.

It reminds me of when Kate said that a lot of her friends don't know her dad is dead. It has to be this story that gets told to new people. I seriously hate that for both my children.

You're bringing me down, The Bachelor.

I don't watch this for serious shit. I watch this to make fun of you.

Oh God, now another girl is crying. I bet Sean is worn out by the end of the day with all the crying and confessions.

That's why I have a blog. Just read that and get the serious stuff. Because there's no crying on dates, dammit. Drinking. Making out. No fucking crying.


OK, and we're back. A one-on-one date with some fruit picking.

There better not be any damn crying.

This girl is "totally falling in love with Sean." Sorry, I didn't listen to her name. I was distracted by an article on Buzzfeed about the pope.

Hey, speaking of crazy religious stuff, I defy you to watch this and not say DAFUQ did I just watch?


OK, Sean's sister is visiting. He can't wait to tell her about all his feelings for these women.

Feelings.

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

I don't think he really likes any of these women.


I just realized that Ashley's name is AshLee. No. Parents of the world, please stop doing this crap to your children.

Anyway, Tierra and AshLee are having an argument. Drama queens.

"Girls are jealous. Men love me," Tierra says.

UGH.

Only awful women say that kind of stuff.

Tierra: "That's my face. I can't help it." Out of context, in context, doesn't matter. Hilarious.

"My parents said 'Tierra, you have a sparkle. Don't let those girls take your sparkle away.'"

It's time for my favorite gif, you guys.


Sean's sister wants to meet Tierra.

Oh good Lord, she's in her room crying. DRAMA.

Do guys like that stuff? I'd be so annoyed with the constant drama.

Save the drama for your llama.



We're back from commercial and Tierra is STILL crying! Sean says he's crazy about her and the keyword here is CRAZY.

Wait. He's sending her home. He DOES have a brain in his head! I'm impressed.

He's sending her home because he can see how emotionally hard this is for her. I think Tierra's attention-seeking plan backfired.

Those women stole Tierra's sparkle!


Sean is telling the women that he sent Tierra home after a "moment of clarity."

I don't know how these women are keeping themselves from cheering and laughing.

There won't be a cocktail party.

What? How will they get the women sufficiently drunk so that they'll cry in the limo after they get kicked off?

Has anyone else thought about the fact that the host Chris Harrison does about five minutes of work for each two-hour episode of The Bachelor? I wonder how much he gets paid.

Never mind. It will depress me to find out.

I think AshLee just got a pity rose.

Thank goodness it's over.

Next week: The hometown dates full of awkward conversations with parents and siblings who are pretending they're totally cool with their daughters/sisters being on a reality dating show.

See you then!



6 comments:

  1. Oh gosh, the eharmony crazy cat lady almost makes me cry. I want to hug all the cats, too.

    This show is dumb. But it's so fun.

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  2. It's like a slow motion train wreck ...you don't want to watch but you can't stop yourself! I don't think I've ever missed an episode lol I am pathetically addicted to it ... the girls and their drama make me laugh and I love the editing! I love your ADD play by play lol

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    Replies
    1. ADD play by play is the PERFECT description. I tend to lose interest along the way.

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  3. Oh. So much to work with. First, when the hell is something going to crash? Now that would be good tv. Next, thanks for the awesome Tim story. Brought a smile to my face. Could totally see him doing that. Next, you are so right about women who other women hate. Warning to all men: never ever hang with a woman other women hate. We are better judge of characters then you. And bless you for the best line from Princess Bride. Perfect!! I've never watched any of these shows but I love reading the blog. Thank you for sacrificing yourself to share it with us.

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  4. I don't even watch the Bachelor, but reading your live blog makes me want to watch it ... but only so I can read along! I may have to set the DVR.

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  5. Like I said, this shit recapping The Bachelor needs to be found by someone famous and equally douchey (thats who can get shit out there, not normal people, just douches and whores) and put OUT there. Way out there. Not just on your blog. Because this shit is funny. Read it twice share it with friends and recap the recap with co-workers, its that funny. Get it out there, out there. People NEED these laughs.

    sidenote: This is probably the best comment I've posted on your blog. I sound like a total visor inside wearing douchebag.

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