Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Half-Assed Live Blogging of The Bachelor Part Duh

It's time for part two of a very special two-night Bachelor event. I'm not sure I can really do this for another two hours, but I'll give it my best effort.

The girls are so lucky this week. They're so happy this week. They're visiting a beautiful resort on the edge of a lake that looks as blue as a toilet bowl.

Romance! Romance! the girls scream.

Catherine and Sean, I mean Ken Doll, are playing in the snow.

"I never get cold when I'm with him," she says.

Did I mention they're in frigid Canada. I was wrong last night when I guessed they were going to a tropical location. Now you know I didn't watch the last 45 minutes because my brain cells were screaming for mercy. I'll try to do better tonight.

OK, on to the serious talk. Catherine tells Sean how she saw a girl get crushed by a tree when she was 12. Afterward, she says she really "took a risk" telling him about this deep, meaningful experience she had.

No, you did not. Please. Taking a risk is telling him how you once went to prison for poisoning your high school boyfriend or that you used to have a penis.

Sean describes Catherine as "special."

I have decided to take a shot every time he says "special." If I drunk text any of you tonight, that is why. I am going to be wasted.

I don't know how I feel about them focusing on the one-armed girl canoeing. I mean, good for her, but also, is it really necessary to CONSTANTLY point this out? Yes, she has one arm. Move on. My mom had a cousin with one arm (he was missing his right arm) and he still drove a stick shift and played golf.

He also drank like someone who takes a shot every time she hears the word "special."

"I like women who like to have fun," Sean says.

Honest question: Are there men who don't like women who like to have fun?

If I see the teaser one more time about one of the girls getting hurt during this Polar Bear Plunge, someone better die, that's all I have to say.

I am bored by Sean's abs.

I know. What's wrong with me?

Ooh, speaking of abs, did you see that Calvin Klein commercial during the Super Bowl? Here's what happened up in here:

OK, back to boring abs...

Oh good Lord, we've finally reached the dramatic moment when someone DIES. Just kidding. It's just Tierra having a meltdown. Or a freeze down. I bet The Bachelor producers feel bad for giving one of these damn girls hypothermia by making her jump into a freezing cold lake.

Just kidding, I bet they paid her to act this way.

Now, Tierra is using her hypothermia to tell him he better marry her.

Yes, she just said that! Well, I guess she'll get a rose now.

OH, they just showed that Calvin Klein ad.

Oh man, I have to say I'm 53 minutes in and I am so bored.

"I think she's incredibly special," Sean on one-armed girl. SHOT. And I know I said they shouldn't focus on her one-armedness, but I actually can't remember her name.

Tierra is awful.

Sean says, "Your hands are so warm" post-hypothermia, and Tierra says, "But my body is so cold," because she's still desperate for the "romantic" attention that only a medical crisis can bring.

I'm pretty thrilled that Sean didn't give Tierra the rose just for being a pansy-ass during the Polar Bear Plunge. And by thrilled, I mean mildly amused.

And my satellite signal just crapped out. What? It's not even raining. I think the universe is trying to tell me to do something else with my time.

OK, I'm back.

He's letting the one-armed girl go. Big shock. Just as shocking as when he let the black girls go. I think it's pretty silly for them to pretend like this guy was going to give a shot to anyone even slightly diverse. Please.

Oh man, this poor girl. I'm actually feeling emotions about her crying about how men always tell her she's great, but... Oh damn it.

Sean is an asshole.

I hope he falls off this mountain he's rappelling down.

Well, looks like everyone survived.

Confession: I'm fast-forwarding through some of this.

OK, it's time for one-on-one sad story time. This girl was homeless. Her family was incredibly poor and they lived in a tent for awhile. Sean is asking her a bunch of questions like he's so sensitive. "I can see your bra strap, Oprah."*

*quote I stole from Modern Family

"I opened up about living in a tent," homeless girl says (sorry, can't be bothered to learn her name), "And here I am falling in love in a teepee."

Yes, they filmed this scene in a teepee.

There's a woman on the show who, for religious reasons, hasn't kissed Sean yet. But now she's decided to give him this great gift of a makeout session. Afterward, she says it is a huge shame to her family. She says this while giggling in her post-makeout glow.

My cousin just texted me, "If you're going to shame your parents, do it on national TV."

Go big or go home, folks.

The next girl shares her big confession: "I sleep naked."

She really took a risk telling him that.

And now they're kissing.

Text from my cousin: "Sloppy sevenths."


The next woman is giving him a blindfold to put on her as a symbolic gesture of...OK, I stopped listening. Who cares? This is some seriously dumb shit. I guess this is a trust exercise. She grew up in foster homes and so...um...being blindfolded gives him control and helps her feel vulnerable? Or it's all about her putting her trust in him?

Now they're doing some blindfolded making out.

Sloppy eighths.

Rose Ceremony.

So, remember that girl who shamed her entire family and spat on her personal religious beliefs on national television?

He didn't give her a rose.


He also kicked off one of the generic blonds.

"I'm just, like, over having a broken heart."

I feel you, girl.


Moment of sadness and Sean talking about how he'd developed feelings for both girls but it just wasn't right and, enough sadness, next week we're going to a tropical location!

Damn, I'm exhausted. And esSPECIALy drunk. (Just kidding. I lied about that shot thing. I don't want to die, you guys!)

Good night!


  1. My favorite line: "I knew that you six were the six for me."

    1. This show brings out the worst in me, but it's SO funny!

    2. It brings out the worst in me, too, but I figure it's a good alternative to putting my worst on display when I'm out in public. It's a good outlet for my frustration with all the dummies in the world.

  2. I should have watched the train wreck this year. Apparently that smarmy dickturd and I went to the same high school (many moons apart, but still).

    1. By the time he went to that high school, they must have cut out the lesson on descriptive words because he only knows one: Special.
      She is so special.
      I can see how special you are.
      Today was really special.

      Oh he's special, all right.

      I have now said that word so many times that it sounds like it's not a word.

  3. Im tuning in next week so I can laugh more (probably not possible) from the live post. I cant handle all these feels. still laughing.

    1. It's fun to hate-watch reality shows!

      Next week, you can play the fun drinking game I made up. Have a stomach pump handy!


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