If I had to sum up the past week in my typically eloquent way, I would say, "This is some bull shit."
Despite my many attempts to beat it into submission with strong doses of denial and regular spoonfuls of Tylenol Cold & Flu, it's time to admit that I have a cold.
In the spirit of kicking a girl while she's down, the universe also delivered to me not one but two rejections. One came from an agent, the other from a small publisher. Both were full of compliments:
"Your story is incredibly moving, and I really enjoyed your style. You are a very talented writer. You tackled a difficult subject honestly and skillfully. Unfortunately..."
"It’s an incredible and painful story and you tell it well. But the problem is, I honestly don’t think I could be successful finding you a publisher."
One of them suggested I concentrate on building my blog audience so I would have a large base of potential readers. This is just more of what I've been hearing for a year and a half. I do not have a built-in audience. No one cares about this book because no one knows who I am.
Which brings me to this. Nearly every single day on Facebook, someone posts a photo of a famous person with a quote attributed to him or her. It's always something that confirms the poster's world view, like how poor people are the WORST or liberals are the WORST or people who support background checks on gun purchases are the WORST.
I've noticed almost all of these quotes are falsely attributed. For instance, this week I saw AGAIN an entire long essay about a Christian student who schools an atheist professor in faith and, big reveal at the end, that Christian student was Albert Einstein.
No, dummies, it wasn't. Albert Einstein was raised by secular Jews and was an agnostic. If your story doesn't work without attaching a big lie to it, then your story doesn't work.
Another essay was a long piece on conservative values and how, among other things, poor people suck. It was attributed to Bill Cosby. Just ignore the fact that Bill Cosby put an announcement on his Web site that he did not write this "viral" essay and disagrees with the "ugly" opinions contained within it. Nope, doesn't matter. Just spread it.
I realize now, in my cold medicine-induced haze, that this is just silly. Get on board with the way the world actually works.
Nothing matters unless a famous person says it. My book doesn't matter to publishers because I'm a big nobody and who the hell is going to buy a book by a nobody who hasn't even had the good sense to make a sex tape.
I feel like I'm going crazy. I have read so many memoirs by people I couldn't identify in a line-up. I NEVER read memoirs by celebrities. I'm also just shaking my head that a book on a topic that affects millions of people wouldn't find some kind of an audience. Every year the rate of suicide increases in this country and every day the people who are left behind go looking for something that speaks to their experience.
But what do I know? I have clearly misjudged everything about the book publishing industry.
I know I sound bitter. I've actually been doing so much better with this stuff, but I've had a little setback in the attitude department. I'll get past it (maybe around 5 tonight when I fix a cocktail and chase it with some cold medicine).
So I'm getting on board the crazy train! I agree with you, world. Everything sounds better if a famous person says it. Even better if that famous person is dead! Then they can't deny that they ever said it.
So here are a bunch of things that famous people have said, according to me:
Happy motherfucking Friday, friends!