Friday, February 8, 2013

Friday's Random Thoughts - Life Lessons from the News

1. Don't make a big deal about unflattering photos of yourself. 

You've probably heard that Beyonce's publicist sent out a letter to various photo organizations asking that certain unflattering photographs from the Super Bowl Halftime Show be removed from the Internet.

Isn't that adorable? "Removed from the Internet" is not a thing, people. This is why, unless you want your grandma and grandpa to see photos of your Bartles and Jaymes, you shouldn't ever, ever, ever take naked photos of yourself. Ever.

Once the people of the Internet heard this, they went wild. Congratulations, Beyonce, you are now an Internet meme. Try to enjoy it. Try not to take yourself so seriously that you think every single photo of you should be perfectly lit and display you only as a flawless goddess. We all know you normally look like this and, yes, I will have your babies.

But right now, don't try to be a goddess. Simply be a human being. Laugh at yourself. Say this: Yes, I make crazy faces when I dance, but ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!

And send your publicist to training classes on the culture of the Internet.

The Cliffs Notes version is this: The Internet, collectively, is a classroom full of 12-year-old boys ready to torment you until the end of time for accidentally calling the math teacher "Mommy." The best thing you can do for yourself is laugh along and then call everyone "Mommy" from then on out. You are IN on the joke, now. You own it. It is yours. Period. You are now the guy who struts through the cafeteria line and says to the lunch lady, "Hey, Mommy, make sure you pile those mashed potatoes high on my plate!" and everyone laughs because you're hilarious.

Never show weakness.

Because when you do, you get this:

2. Don't name your child Shadrack. 

This week, Alabama State Sen. Shadrack McGill said he plans to reintroduce a bill that would grant legal personhood rights to a human fertilized egg and ban abortion at all stages. He also compared abortion to destroying an eagle egg. "Did you know that you can be charged up to $250,000 for destroying an eagle egg, but you can destroy babies in the womb?" 
OK, Shadrack, I'll try to explain this slowly. 

If YOU made the decision to abort a fetus in another person's body, you would, indeed, be charged with a crime, too, moron. This is about women and their autonomy over their own bodies. 

If an eagle destroys her own egg, shall we put her to death? 

Did you have eggs for breakfast?

Not to mention that the law about eagle eggs has to do with endangered species. Would you like to apply rules of population growth to humanity? Because I'm pretty sure there are plenty of people on this planet. 

The bible from which you love to pick and choose states that if a man causes a woman to miscarry, he will be fined. He has violated her autonomy. If the woman dies, he will be put to death. This seems to clearly indicate the woman's life is more valued than the fetus. 

Also, I like how you base your beliefs on a passage in the bible that says God knew you before you were placed in your mother's womb (Jeremiah 1:5), but you ignore the numerous passages that equate life's beginning with breath. (Genesis 2:7; Job 33:4; Ezekiel 37:5 and 37:6). 

Also, in Jeremiah 1:5, the "you" God was talking about was Jeremiah. It reads "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." 

Shadrack, I'm pretty certain you are not a prophet to the nations, dude.

You also asked where aborted fetuses go: Heaven or Hell? Well, what of the estimated HALF of pregnancies that end in miscarriage?

Also, maybe we could stop using the bible to attempt to justify every law and action. Because, I don't know if you've read it, but it's full of contradictions and fun rules about how I need to kill my neighbor for working on Sunday (Exodus 35:2).

Seriously, Shadrack, your Cafeteria-style Christianity makes me tired.

A little background: Shadrack also supports meaningless and unproductive bills like one that would make it legal to display the Ten Commandments on state property and in public schools.

And he's the ever-so-delightful douchebag who said that paying teachers more is not biblically-supported.

"If you pay teachers more, it might attract people who otherwise wouldn't do the job," he said early last year. "If you double a teacher's pay scale, you'll attract people who aren't called to teach...and these teachers that are called to teach, regardless of the pay scale, they would teach. It's just in them to do it. It's the ability that God give 'em."

..."give 'em." The person who was called to teach young Shadrack might have skipped a lesson or two. 

3. Don't pressure your children to continue your legacy.

This week, a hacker was able to get his hands on interesting images of what former President George W. Bush is doing with his free time. Read more here.

And I, for one, find it flipping adorable.

My first thought was that I bet W. is so much happier now that he doesn't have to be president. I bet he wishes every day that he could have been baseball commissioner like he wanted to be, instead of carrying on some political legacy and becoming the puppet of neoconservatives. I bet Laura Bush is way happier having him around the house, hanging out with Ralph Lauren, cracking corny jokes, and giving everyone nicknames like "Sunshine" and "Jimbo" and Half-Pint."

I bet he's having a grand old time painting naked pictures of himself. I'm no art critic, but I think they're not half bad. And, hell, maybe they symbolize W.'s sincere wish to cleanse himself of the guilt of starting a bullshit war based on a lie. That and he's probably symbolically rinsing off the grody grossness of Dick Cheney's cooties.

4. Don't be a Boy Scout. 

Texas Governor and noted asshat Rick Perry said that the Boy Scout organization should not bend to the "whims of popular culture" and allow openly gay members. (Happy news: Secretly gay folks are still welcome everywhere! Oh yeah! It's like that time that openly black people couldn't use the same water fountain as white folks, but secretly black people totally could.)

People being gay is not a whim of popular culture. Supporting human rights is not a whim of popular culture.

Ol' Rick thinks gay folks should stay out because "Gay activism is central to their lives, it would unavoidably be a topic of conversation within a Scout troop. This would distract from the mission of scouting: character building, not sex education."

Yep, gay folks do nothing but talk, talk, talk all day and night about gay this and gay that, one gay, two gays, red gay, blue gay all the livelong day. I know when I'm around my gay friends I'm like, "Dude, your activism is distracting me from our important mission of discussing the Beyonce meme."

I don't understand how someone being gay instantly means there is "sex education" involved. Heterosexuals openly like people of the opposite sex. Does having boys in the scouts who like girls not distract and require sex education?

Also, when your child asks you what being gay means, do you instantly hit him up with an illustrated guide to gay sex?

When your child asks why Susie is marrying Bill, do you pull out the illustrated guide to  heterosexual sex and say, "Because she wants to have sex with him regularly and give him blow jobs on his birthday and other very rare special occasions"?

Or do you say, "Susie and Bill love one another."

Do you simply say: "Sometimes men are attracted to men. Sometimes women are attracted to women."

You know what your kid says then, "Oh, OK." And then he runs off and plays because he DOES NOT GIVE A SHIT UNLESS YOU TEACH HIM IT'S WRONG.

The thing that makes me so sad about this entire issue is that when most boys join the Boy Scouts, they have no clue who they are sexually. Their parents sign them up when they are six and barely know on which side of the Dora vs. Swiper fence they are, much less where they are on the sexuality spectrum.

So it is only after they have grown up with the organization that they begin to mature sexually and, if they are gay, begin to realize that they are no longer welcome in a group of people who once welcomed them for campouts and stock car races and selling Christmas trees in the lot beside the highway across from Walgreen's.

Fuck the Boy Scouts for making boys feel bad about who they are.

5. Growing a beard is totally sexy. 

George Clooney in Berlin 

Please learn from the lessons of this week's newsmakers, my friends. And have a wonderful weekend!


  1. Two excellent rants in one day?! Awesome times two!

    1. Thanks! I was on a roll today! Those Starbucks lattes really fuel my rage!


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