Friday, February 15, 2013

Friday's Random Thoughts by Nicholas Sparks

(Updated to remove dumb thing about Fox News)

Inspired by Valentine's Day and all the phony baloney romance of the week, today's thoughts are brought to you based on Nicholas Sparks' successful formula of cliche, predictability, and hot bods in bikinis.

Nicholas Sparks Novel/Movie Characteristic #1: Oceanside scenery/bikinis

This week, some of the perfect people of the Internet called Kate Upton fat.

Kate Upton is the model on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. The fact that people still talk about this annual magazine when the Internet offers a bevy of half-naked and naked women for ogling everyday is surprising.

This is what Kate Upton looks like in a bikini.
 Yes, it's like a bloat of hippopotami up in here.

What is wrong with people?

Obviously I'm not a man, but if I had the choice of snuggling up against this woman and being in bed with some no-flesh-having bag of hangers, I'd take Kate Upton.

Nicholas Sparks Novel/Movie Characteristic #2: Romantic stargazing

Forget stars! The sky is falling in Russia! Holy meteorite!

Nicholas Sparks Novel/Movie Characteristic #3: Someone dies.

This week's worst death was that of Marco Rubio while giving the Republican response to the SOTU. It was so painful that I couldn't even feel the schadenfreude. And I love to feel the schadenfreude!

The secondhand embarrassment made me cringe. The subsequent edit of all his dry mouth sounds into one long clip makes me want to cry.

I'm starting to wonder if the purpose of the Republican response to the SOTU is to kill someone's political momentum (i.e. Bobby Jindal).

I don't always respond to the SOTU,
but when I do I stay thirsty, my friends. 

Nicholas Sparks Novel/Movie Characteristic #4: Fornication of some kind (usually up against a wall or tree)

I read yet another story about the Boy Scouts this week and, while the Boy Scouts might change their stance on allowing "known or avowed homosexuals" in their organization, they probably will not be doing the same for agnostics or atheists.

If you're someone who lies about what you believe or what you question, you're still welcome!

Also, felony convictions are not an automatic bar to employment.

Fuck the Boy Scouts.

Nicholas Sparks Novel/Movie Characteristic #5: Some watered down/vanilla spirituality that doesn't actually stop the characters from doing whatever they want to do.

So, here's something that exists somewhere:
How much can you lift, bro?

Nicholas Sparks Novel/Movie Characteristic #6: Someone ends up with his/her soul mate.

Kate and Jacob finally got iPhones yesterday. I believe it's true love. They can't take their eyes off them.

Am I going to regret this?

Happy Friday, my friends! Stay thirsty!

Related links:
What Kind of Person Thinks Kate Upton is Fat?
A blog post from last year written by a crazy, mean person


  1. What? Kate Upton is fat? They can toss it and leave it. And I'll pull up quick to retrieve it.

    1. hahaha! I love it!
      And agreed. I'm no lesbian, but I wouldn't kick her out of my bed or anything. I'd snuggle those boobs, thanksverymuch.

  2. motor boat. agreed. thats just so insane. Now I need to see for myself the inside visor wearing douchebags who said such ghastly things about that beautiful creature.

  3. Wait, what? Fox News REALLY said that?!????! Who are these people?

    1. Never mind. I doublechecked it and it was from that stupid Borowitz Report in The New Yorker. He's like the Onion.
      Someone else reblogged it as news.
      I guess Fox News isn't as bad as we thought.

      Wait, never mind.


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