Friday, December 7, 2012

Friday's Random Thoughts - Someone's In A Bad Mood On My Son's Birthday

"What else can I be [but cross] when I live in such a world of fools as this? Merry Christmas! Out upon merry Christmas! What's Christmas time to you but a time for paying bills without money; a time for finding yourself a year older, and not an hour richer, a time for balancing your books and having every item in 'em through a round dozen of months presently dead against you? If I could work my will," said Scrooge, indignantly, "every idiot who goes about with 'Merry Christmas' on his lips should be boiled with his own pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart. He should!" - Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol
Someone alert Fox News! Boiled in pudding? A stake of holly through the heart? That's a war on Christmas.

I do not like this time of year and I never will. Nope. Maybe I liked it when I was a kid. I must have. Kids like Christmas. But it's difficult to remember that time, because now December is my least favorite month.

It's not all because of Christmas. I don't like winter. If Christmas was in July, I might be more on board.  And even though the temperature has been extremely mild so far, I still know it's winter. It's like when you bump into someone you have legitimate reasons to dislike and the person acts surprisingly nice. You really must stay on guard because you know that, deep down, she's still a bitch.

So if Christmas didn't happen in the last month of the year, I might be on board.


There's just so much bullshit involved in this season. Black Friday which is now Black Thursday Night.

The Daily Show with Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
The War on Christmas: Friendly Fire Edition
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And don't even get me started on those ridiculous elves.

Here's a question: If the elves are sent to watch over your kids so they can report their behavior to Santa, WHY do the elves act like such degenerates the whole time? (Click the link for something hilarious.) It's like sending criminals to report on the behavior of other criminals or sending strippers to tell other women to keep their clothes on or sending Lindsay Lohan to report on the behavior of Amanda Bynes.

There's also the Christmas movies and songs that are FULL OF CRAP. Actually, this sort of thing brought about one of my favorite holiday traditions, which is listening to Patton Oswalt's comedy routine about the song Christmas Shoes.

"Someone's in a bad mood on my son's birthday?"


I wrote my mom about the possibility of some new thing that could happen (sorry for being vague). My mom said yesterday that she will pray for it to happen if that's what I want.

And all I could think is what the hell does it matter what I want anymore?

She said she's afraid that I'm letting rejection eat me alive.

Trust me, I'm not happy about my lack of optimism. I feel guilty that I'm not grateful enough for all I have so that my gratefulness will counteract my disappointment in things.

Maybe I'm not as great and strong as people want me to be.

I was trying to think of ways to get out of my 2012 slump and to adopt a new attitude.

When I worked at the newspaper in Shreveport 10 years ago, I participated in a leadership program. I remember the person running it asked, "What do you want your life to look like?"

It seems like a small question, but it's huge. I thought about it then and my first thought was, "Well, I don't want to be here anymore!"

Shortly after that, I turned 30. I quit my job, got a new job at Southern Living, moved from Louisiana to Alabama, and I changed my life.

Side note: My father-in-law always said the 30s were the hardest years and, damn, was he ever right. Biblically hard. Swarm-of-locusts hard.

I'm going to turn 40 in 2013 and I'm wondering what I want my life to look like.

First thought: Well, I don't want to be here anymore.

The thing is that I don't know what I mean by "here."

In this house?

In this red state?

In this cycle of hope and rejection?

In this bad mood?

Bah humbug.

Maybe I'm buying into the Mayan hype, but I think life as we know it has to change in 2013.

What do you want your life to look like?

That's something I'm going to have to think about, but I'll begin with this:

FRT Shout-Out: While I've moaned and groaned about things, BFF Tina has listened and been there for me. Every single day. That's an amazing thing. Sometimes you go through hard times and you figure out that a lot of people are only friends with you if it's easy for them. But there are people who, for 20-plus years, stick by you, comfort you, commiserate with you, and when someone does you wrong she says, "You fuck with Amy B., then you fuck with me."

Thanks, my friend.


  1. You're bringing me DOWN, yo. Kidding - I'm already right there with ya! As one of the biggest scrooges on the planet I threatened to cancel Christmas yesterday b/c my kids were being assholes. And earning my title as mother of the year I pushed the tree over because I am a horrible person! And I was completely sober. Maybe that was the problem. Anyway, I think you are great (and I am verbose and overcaffeinated). You have a coveted spot in my bookmarks folder and are a most amazing writer. Thanks for the Christmas/undercover bitch analogy - it made me laugh and I needed that today.

    1. ha! I can totally see myself knocking the tree over. I'd probably do it just so I could mess with Satancat who climbs up in there and takes the ornaments off all night long. She has also destroyed the bottom branches. I think she doesn't realize how close I am to taking her dumb ass to a shelter.
      I think Scrooge was right up until Christmas when he was all, "Boy, what day is it?! Woo hoo! I've learned an important lesson." No, dude, you had a weird dream. Go back to bed.

      Counting down to New Year's Day...

  2. That infamous quote from so long ago, still rings true. Its so "Tombstone", don't you think?

    Fabulous writing once again with the right amount of sour. I love it.

    I love you and God Bless Us Everyone.

    1. I love you. You are the wind beneath my wings. When I'm dying, I expect you to take me to the beach. (P.S. I'm fully on board with one of us pretending to die so we can go to the beach. Is that wrong?)

  3. I feel ya. I need a BIG change. I turned in to a Christmas hater a few years back. It's hard being broke as hell and trying to live up to the hype and spread cheer at the same time. 2013 is gonna be our year ! PS ... bff's like that are pretty rare and awesome, I'm glad you have one :)
    PSS .. I am now wanting to stalk your reader Perl and be her friend too lol

    1. No matter what people say about the reason for the season, the reason seems to be gifts and that takes money. Every day my daughter asks for some new thing. Last night, she asked for some pajamas that are $100! She said, "I know that's a little pricey, but it's Christmas!" As if it being Christmas makes me magically able to afford $100 pajamas that look like Piglet from Winnie the Pooh.
      Bahhhhhhhhhh humbug.

      Here's to 2013!

  4. That Patton Oswalt clip is hilarious. I listened to it twice in a row! I wish I could fast forward to 2013 also. Bah humbug!

    1. That clip is one of my favorite things! I think I listened to it four times yesterday.
      "Dad, I don't think we need to give the kid's mom cancer." That is EXACTLY how I like to imagine Jesus.
      I'm going to have to listen to it again now.

  5. Jack (it's a boy's name but I'm a girl)December 8, 2012 at 2:14 PM

    Hello Amy
    I have been reading your blog for about two months, since Wide Lawns said it was a crazy world that didn't want to publish you. I agree. But being rejected by publishers is meant to be fun, isn't it?? And character-building. Even if you are already all over character in lumps. I don't know, all this 'we'll only publish you if you are already famous' is bullshit, isn't it? I love your writing. You are consistently witty and wise. Also, swearing is fun.
    I wish I knew someone I could show your work to who would give you enough money that you could sit on a beach with white sand and maybe bid on one of those dates with Clooney auctions, and buy stupid pjs and whatever the boy wants as well. I don't though, so please don't get too excited. I did look up plane fares from Birmingham to the UK though like a mad stalker because I thought you should come here for a visit. Sadly it is quite expensive. Anyway, what's my point? My point is, your value to the world is not based on someone in an office somewhere thinking you might fit on their 'list', or on how much money you have to spend at Christmas. And you're not obliged to enjoy any particular holiday. I know you know this. I never comment on blogs, but I just wanted to say it. And I was 40 this year and it was OK, really - honestly, you shouldn't worry about that.

    Also, what is that thing with the elves? I'd never heard about it until you mentioned it and then Jenny Lawson too. This is one of the reasons foreigners think Americans are a bit odd sometimes. Who would make a mess in their own house and pretend a doll did it? That seems psychotic.

    Anyway, just think, there are people you've never met wishing you well. That's kind of cool isn't it? The future brought us this, so who is to say it won't bring more fun and buttons to press? I hope so!

    1. That's VERY cool. I'm so glad you commented! You reminded me of one of my 2013 goals, which is to get a passport. I've never had one. I think I need one just in case George invites me to Lake Como. But, really, I want to go SOMEWHERE.

      The elf thing is ridiculous and SO American. I think there are a lot of Americans who don't have enough to do or simply like to make work for themselves. Or the "magic" of Santa and reindeer and one night a year isn't enough. They have THAT ISN'T ENOUGH disease so they make up more crap to do for the entire month. Hell, why not have the psycho elf there all year long? Really keep those kids in line!

      Thanks again for reading and for your wonderful comment!


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