Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Why I'm Such a Bitch

Last night, your basic Alabama conservative nightmare dropped by my Facebook page to pose this question: Why are you such a bitch, Amy?

This person just couldn't take my posts anymore. "No honey, I was exhausted by your posts. I just couldn't take anymore without speaking my mind. Like Obama, I know you are not used to a differing opinion, and instead of considering it, you will instead ignore it. How enlightened. Enjoy being a big giant fish in an itty bitty pond."

Is he saying that Obama also knows that I am not used to a differing opinion?

What differing opinion am I supposed to be considering here? That I am a bitch?

Because I don't know when I didn't welcome differing opinions. You want to have an intelligent conversation about issues that matter? Let's do it. You want to sputter and spit about how Obama is a secret Muslim born in Kenya who engineered the hurricane to gain votes? Please put on your tinfoil hat and take your Goddamn meds.

Last night, I "exhausted" this asshat by posting a link to a video of George Clooney seducing Jennifer Lopez in Out of Sight. I posted a quote from my son who, while watching election coverage, declared that "Donna Brazile is my new favorite black woman. She looks so friendly!" I posted a video from Team America of this awesome song. Because it's funny.

Then, bitch that I am, I said that people who threaten to move out of the country actually should. (Just don't move to Canada or, basically, anywhere in Europe. You might try that wonderland of small government Somalia. You can take your guns. Yea!)

Listen, this isn't just about elections. If you bitch about leaving your husband all damn day every day, then do it. Jesus, everyone is sick of hearing it. If you hate your job or your house or your fat ass, after a while you have to stop the bitching and get to moving.

So, if you threaten to move out of America, do it. As The Great Chris Talley™ told someone who is moving to Brazil (which has a tax-funded universal healthcare system, but whatever, I just can't with these people): "I don't know much about Brazil's political system, but if you feel like they have something better to offer you then props to you for making such a bold move. It is a beautiful place and it sounds like a pretty badass adventure."

That's because The Great Chris Talley™ is a good man.

And this guy who says he knew me in 9th grade isn't.

So he came to my Facebook page and called me a bitch.

Stay classy, San Diego.

Here's the thing: No one seems to love America less than the people who claim to be the best at loving it. You've got your flag pin tacked to your lapel, but you're spewing hateful, vile words at the people who live in this country. You are calling Americans idiots and you're threatening to move to Canada (seriously, they have socialized medicine there, too).

It reminds me of men who claim to love women but who take every chance they get to call them whores and bitches and sluts. The men who do this do not actually love women. They love their penises and they want to put them in women. Period.

But back to me. Why am I such a bitch?

Because I have opinions and I express them?

Because I support gay rights, fervently and without reservation?

Because I support a woman's right to choose?

Because I think men adding words like "forcible" and "legitimate" to describe rape is sad evidence of a political party plagued by misogyny and ignorance?

Because I think politicians should pick up a damn science book before they say moronically stupid things about how a woman's body works or about evolution or climate change?

Because I think that, if you want to sell me on your fiscal policies, you're going to have to extract your party from the grip of evangelicals and homophobes and stop expecting me to take people like Rick Santorum and Michele Bachmann seriously?

Because I don't want any religion to be used to govern us? Freedom of religion means that even if you are super-duper convinced that your religion is right, you don't get to use it to rule this country. Sorry. Go to church. Pray all you want.

The pilgrims - you know those folks you are going to talk about while you craft construction-paper cornucopias and costume your children in wide-brimmed hats and buckled shoes for Thanksgiving activities at school? Those pilgrims refused to conform to their monarchy's theology. They came here seeking freedom. Seems to me if you don't like it, then yes, you should ACTUALLY MOVE and seek a place where the separation of church and state isn't one of the founding principles. Like Saudi Arabia. (Just hide your bible and your cross since it's forbidden to display those items because they don't fit with the religion in power.)
Nope, can't move to Australia, either.
I guess I am "such a bitch" because I make jokes at the expense of idiots who can't be bothered to do any research about the country they are (not actually) going to move to now that the world has ended and Obama is going to come for their guns and their Labrador puppies and their bibles and their unborn babies so he can give them to poor people and Satan.

Yep. I'm a bitch.

It's OK. Call me whatever names you want. I can handle it. I can handle more than you can on your best day. I can handle it with one hand tied behind my back and a vanilla latte in the other hand. I invite you, if you are struck by the urge to call me a bitch, to do so. I welcome your disdain. I crave it.

Bring it.

Or you could simply unfriend me. It's not like we are actually friends anyway.

Yes. I am such a bitch.

It's really too bad you're not one, too.


  1. I saw that and didn't comment in hopes that he was joking. I just went back and read all the comments. I hope (I assume!) you've since defriended this guy. Also, you're not a bitch.

    1. Thank you!
      Yes, I unfriended him today. I told Todd that I didn't do it last night because I figured I'd give this guy some space to show his ass for a bit.
      Todd said, "He accepted the challenge with unparalleled enthusiasm." Indeed.

      What sucks is that I cried a little bit about it last night. I mean, no one likes to be called a bitch. But then I remembered that I don't give a damn what this person thinks and that made me feel better.

    2. I probably would have cried too. I get my feelings hurt easily. But it was awesome to see how Todd and others rallied around you. Love T's response!

  2. Circa 1993. Shooters. MM. And we know how that turned out for him.

    I think you're a total bitch everyday but I'm certainly not going to be rude and put it on FB. (gasp)

    Nice use of the gif of Will Ferrell. That couldn't be more perfect.

    1. Yep. Our Amy and Tina combo is definitely as bitchy and fantastic as the Tina Fey/Amy Poehler combo. Boom. Deal with it.

  3. Well that is...disheartening. This is making me really angry the more I think about it, because of everything that's implied in that one question. Namely that because you're a woman he feels like he can bully you about our beliefs. He would never have said the same thing to a man (replacing bitch with something more gender appropriate). Never would have happened.

    Flames on the side of my face.

    I love that you have a Tina to your Amy. :)

    1. Oh my gosh, I love the Clue reference.

    2. Very disheartening! And you're right. I doubt he went around to his liberal male friends' pages and called them names. I kept thinking maybe this guy was drunk, but the next morning he was still clicking "like" on all his own comments. Yes, really.

  4. I've got to admit that guy awakened my "I'm going to kick your ass" instinct for a minute last night. But the older I get the more I see the value in taking the high road. I love how he opened the exchange by calling you a bitch then accused you of not knowing how to handle a differing opinion. You did the right thing by leaving his comments for all to see. I've been quietly enjoying public FB meltdowns like this all day. A lot of them were totally out of touch with reality expecting a Romney landslide. I really hope that once the anger wears off we can come together as a country. Not counting on it but it would be nice.

    1. I used to hate how Charles would get in fights, but I had this moment the other night when I wished he was around to go stomp the hell out of that guy. haha
      But you are so right. The high road is the place to be. It's not always easy. I'd like to run over some people on the low road.

  5. Amy, the bitchiest of all bitches, I respect and envy your balls. Wait - can bitches have balls?

    1. That reminds me of this Betty White quote: "Why do people say grow some balls? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding."

      And thanks!

    2. That is so true! Mine just went through the ringer and it's doin' just fine!

    3. HA! That made me cackle out loud over here!

  6. Yep you are so right on with everything you wrote here .. I had to delete people from fb that I have known a very long time. Sorry but when you post insulting hate filled ignorant comments, its time for you to go!

    1. Yeah, honestly I'm open to other opinions, but I'm not open to being called names. I also instantly unfriend for racist or homophobic comments. If I wouldn't invite someone into my home, why would I want to see their hate-filled updated on Facebook?
      Things are ugly out there this week. I'm thinking about posting nothing but kitten photos for a few days. Or maybe baby llama photos.

    2. I posted pics of fuzzy baby otters on fb trying to clear my mind so I wouldn't respond to some of the "we are going to hell" posts ...bleh
      btw ...Rush Limbaugh should be packing up about now...he is one of them "Moving to Canada" Lets celebrate !

  7. wow...I knew people did that in high school, but not now. If you are going to verbally assault someone, at least do it to her face! cowards. If you're a bitch, I'm a bitch. I like the company.

    1. Also, I REALLY like you facebook middle name.


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