Thursday, November 15, 2012

Take That Magic Somewhere Else, Buddy

If you're familiar with Elf Magic, then you already know that these little assholes show up every year after Thanksgiving and start playing pranks and making messes, all in the name of "holiday spirit."

Holiday spirit, my ass.

Here's one good thing about getting older. I now have one child who is nearly a grown man and could give two hoots about pretending certain things exist. I have another child who is not a girl, not yet a woman. No, wait, that's Britney Spears circa 2001. The person in my house is a pre-teen with a penchant for drama and drinking orange Fanta. She also likes to "believe."

Kate's enthusiasm for holiday traditions is one of the things I love about her. She is very different from me in this way. I am not a person who gets overly worked up about the holidays or making sure we do the same thing year after year.  Kate wants a tree the day after Thanksgiving. She wants to decorate the entire house. She wants to know why I won't decorate the house with lights. (No. 1, I don't own a ladder. No. 2, I don't want to have to take down the lights a month later.)

Keeping up with these mother-effing elves is not one of my favorite holiday activities. (My favorite holiday activities are drinking bourbon, making S'mores, watching The Sound of Music until right after the gazebo scene, and posting this 2007 photo of what Jacob did with my stepmother's salt and pepper shakers.)

I like all these things but I don't like anything that creates more clean-up work for me.

That is why I DO NOT condone the mess-making that is supposed to occur with these elves and their "magic."

No, no, no.

Are there parents out there who don't have enough to do? Because, if you're that hard up for activities, I've got about 6 loads of laundry you can come put away.

Why would you create a mess just so your child will believe that Santa's elves are complete jackasses?!

I don't get it.

Parents should sit their little freeloaders down and say, "Santa sent one of his elves to help us out this holiday season. The holidays are very busy and it's important that everyone pitch in."

Nope, apparently Santa Claus sends his elves to jack up your shit. Thanks for nothing, you fat bastard.

So this year, if the girl is still into playing pretend, these elves better make themselves useful and not behave like the worst houseguests in the history of houseguestery!

They will clean. Yea! Look what Eileen did, she cleaned the kitchen last night!

They will cook. Yea! Bedford made us a batch of macaroni and cheese.
Oh, look, the elves teamed up to make Mommy a drink.

There will be none of last year's shenanigans, like when Bedford got drunk and naked, took a bath in marshmallows, and shoved his face in whipped cream.
He also called your mother a whore.

Bedford, you so nasty.

The elves will not:

Mess up the living room with five gajillion post-it notes.
Seriously, who does this? 

Waste the toilet paper.
In this economy? Oh, hell no. Ain't nobody got money to waste on toilet paper.

Fish out of the toilet. Dude, that's gross.

Clean the toilet? Yes.

I expect the elves to be extremely well-behaved this year.

Or else I'll let our evil cat Lucy have her way with them.
Satan sent me here to destroy everything in your house.


  1. People do this? So elves are supposed to act like asshole frat boys? Should be called elf dickery. "Oh look, Timmy! Someone wrote 'ELF SLUT' on your forehead in black magic marker! Those little scamps!"

    1. That is the most perfect analogy!

      I once visited a friend who lived in another city. We went out with and spent the night with a group of her friends. They had taken photos of another girl who had passed out one night and they'd drawn disgusting things all over her face. Honestly, I didn't even know that was a thing until I met these people. It just seemed like the most awful thing to do to a friend.

      I was up all damn night waiting for those bitches to fall asleep first.

  2. This has to be one of the funniest seasonal posts out there. Applause applause applause.

    We do "Christmas Magic". She never wrecks a thing and always leaves a small offering on Gabi's dresser.

    I'll make you a deal. If I lose Kayla before you lose Shadow to old age, I'll take Lucy. But if Shadow bites it first, I think you'll need Lucy's companionship to get you through it. Ha.

  3. Hilarious post. It doesn't hurt that Elf is one of my top three favorite movies.
    I've noticed the elf ass hat-ery at houses before...that's not happening at my (tiny, messy) apartment. Ever.


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