I'm seriously sick of brides and new mothers getting all the help. Why shouldn't the rest of us be pampered and allowed to run around shrieking about how "It's MY day! MY DAY! Bring me a latte!"
So here is a document to help you, my loyal friends, serve me better. Some of you have been doing a pisspoor job. I mean, I gave birth the last time only 149 months ago and being a mom is hard, y'all. I am quickly veering off the cliff into midlife and my soul needs help. So get to steppin'.
I have taken this new mom's document and edited it to meet my needs. I expect you to read it thoroughly and not screw anything up. I won't tolerate any screw-ups.
I am beginning to settle into a routine with my sweet baby girl and baby boy and welcome visitors. I put together a list of "helpfuls" if you would like to come over and help me out during this transitional period into
parenthood my midlife crisis.
Dear friends and family,
The following helpful list is the kind of things that I will remember and appreciate
forever for a minimal amount of time. This is what my body and soul needs, and will be most helpful for my bonding with the baby the vodka I just bought. By devoting just a few hours doing one of these things, I will get the support and rest I need with our newborn vodka in the house.
1. Ask me what groceries we need around the house and bring them to us. We likely need toilet paper and milk. And tampons. And cranberry juice. And Funyuns.
2. Drop off a big super Greek salad with grilled chicken. We will dress it ourselves at home. Don't go putting the dressing on yourself, dammit. What are we, barbarians? Or, drop off frozen homemade food like lasagna we can reheat later. Actually, fuck that. Come over and make a lasagna from scratch. What are we, savages?
*Allergies/intolerances include: Soy anything (including tempeh and tofu), carrageenan, guar gum, gum acacia, xanthan gum, carob bean gum (anything with the word GUM in it), lentils — Please read labels. Many of these ingredients are in store bought food.
If I see one damn thing that has xanthan gum in it I will lose my shit, do you understand?
Read the labels before you bring that crap into my house. My body is a precious temple and I expect you to treat it as such.
3. Come over at about 2 in the afternoon, hold
the baby me while I have a hot shower (it's been so long since I've been held in a hot shower), put me to bed with the baby an hour-long massage, and then complete one or more household chores, such as:
-scoop the litter box
[our dog] the cats for a well deserved walk or run around the neighborhood or park. Put them on a leash. No, you won't look like an idiot. Jesus, are you my friend or not? Now walk the goddamn cats!
-clean the kitchen or the bathroom... Or both. What are you lazy? Clean them both.
4. Come over at 10am, make me eggs, toast, and ½ a grapefruit. Clean my fridge and throw anything out that you doubt — don't ask me, just use your best judgment. God, do I have to do everything? I can't believe you would ask me! Just clean the effing fridge!
Clean the kitchen stove and the kitchen floor. No, do not use the mop. Get down on your hands and knees! What am I, a person on Hoarders? Clean that kitchen floor like you've never cleaned before.
5. Come over in your work clothes and vacuum, dust, clean the litter box, and then leave quietly. Don't show up in your nice new outfit. Do you think you're here to visit? Do you think I care what you look like? Put on your work pants and put your hair in a ponytail. I don't care about your new haircut. You are here to clean, so step to it. It might be too tiring for me to chat and entertain, so don't even think about boring me with stories about your life. It will renew my soul to get some rest knowing I will wake up to a clean, organized space. I expect you to be gone when I wake up. Please go bore someone else with your stories.
That's right. Don't you want my soul to be renewed? My soul is precious.
[our dog] my children for a well-deserved long walk or run around our neighborhood or Prospect Park or Walmart.
7. Come over to fold laundry or clean and give
[Parent] ME a break so I can go enjoy some r & r, go to a coffee shop, a bar, a George Clooney movie or something else fun. This parenting shit is hard and I need to get drunk and laid. Vacuum and fold more laundry. You'll have plenty of time. I'm not coming home for three days. Clean the litter box. Oh, you already did that? Do it again, servant wench dear friend.
8. Make a giant
pot of vegetable soup pitcher of margaritas in our kitchen and clean the kitchen completely afterwards. Don't try to sneak in some shit you made in your own kitchen. I've seen your kitchen. It is not up to my standards.
Then take a big garbage bag and empty every trash basket in the house. Reline the kitchen garbage can with a fresh bag. If I discover that you haven't relined the kitchen garbage can with a fresh bag, I will fuck your shit up.
Do we understand one another?
Excellent. My soul thanks you.