Channing Tatum is People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive. This is likely the only time you will ever hear the sentence, "The sexiest man alive is from Alabama."
So enjoy it while you can, Alabama. Because mostly you are only likely to win Baldest or Puffiest or Visor-Wearingest or North-Face-Jacket-But-No-Physical-Activity-Havingest.
I apologize, Alabama. That was uncalled for.
I'm in a grumpy mood today. I mean, something must be wrong, because I just clicked through an entire gallery of photos of "sexy" men on People.com and mostly I thought this:
OK, sort of.
How much gel is in your hair, man?
I blame the weather. I blame this gloomy day. I blame fall. I blame Julia Roberts. Don't question why, just do it. You'll feel better if you blame her, too.
(Want to feel even better? Go read the greatest movie review EVER of Eat Pray Love.)
I also blame the fact that I woke up this morning feeling incredibly old and fat and tired.
I feel like gravity is really taking a toll on me lately. It's just a theory, right? Can I choose to ignore it the way people ignore evolution or climate change? Will this stop me from feeling like my eyelids and mouth and neck and boobs and ass are all trying desperately to touch the ground?
If I see one more story about people signing petitions to secede, I might scream.
The focus seems to be largely on Texas, although numerous other dumbasses in other states have signed petitions. Some folks are signing petitions for states in which they don't even live. Congratulations, you're an idiot.
The percentage of people signing these petitions is incredibly small. The media might as well do stories on kids who threaten to run away from home. The threats carry the same potential for actual follow-through, and the parents probably react much as most of America is right now. Don't forget to pack your underwear. Here's a PB&J. Have a nice trip. Good luck out there.
I have now read two stories about men who "committed suicide because Obama was reelected." This makes me want to scream, too. A person doesn't commit suicide because of who won an election. A person commits suicide because he is mentally ill. MENTALLY ILL. Americans, who will spend all damn day talking about cancer and buying bullshit pink toasters, can't spend half a second discussing mental illness and the toll it takes on the country every day.
This isn't about being crazy. This is about mental health. This is about suffering from depression or intense anxiety or paranoia or any other number of things. (A case could probably be made that one of these other number of things is exacerbated by watching too much irresponsible fear-mongering on Fox News.)
A mentally ill person will latch onto a reason that makes no sense in the grand scheme of things. Here, look, here's the reason. Those left behind will do this, too.
I live with this truth every God damn day of my life, so you can just go ahead and believe me.
Fuck these stories and their sensationalism.
The General Petraeus thing doesn't interest me. Too many people involved, too much immature silliness, too many people using the phrase "Tampa socialite" with a straight face.
Do you ever hate-watch The 700 Club just to see what that senile fool Pat Robertson might say? I do. He said you can't blame the general. He was in a foreign land, lonely, and a woman was throwing herself at him. And this: "He's a man."
So all men cheat? (And it's because a woman was throwing herself at the man, naturally.)
I've heard this before. We have to hear this EVERY time a person of fame cheats on his wife. A man with whom I briefly went out told me that it is IMPOSSIBLE for men not to cheat if given the opportunity.
Chris Rock put it perfectly when he said, "Men are as faithful as their options."
It makes me sad for men that people obviously believe this about them. It makes men seem rather pathetic.
But I don't actually believe that ALL men cheat, because I don't believe that ALL (fill-in-the-blank people of a certain group) always do (fill-in-the-blank with a certain activity).
For instance, it's that time of year when I want to call radio stations and tell them to shove their obnoxious jewelry store advertisements, because, if you listen to a few of these, you will start to believe that ALL women are money-grubbing, diamond-lusting pains in the ass.
Just as certain magazines make me realize I will never be Southern enough (that's a post for another day), advertisements for jewelry stores make me realize I will never be woman enough.
These ads are all of the "Ladies love diamonds, son! You better get Whoredelia a diamond or you'll be in the doghouse. Hardy har har!" variety.
I've never been one to lust over jewelry. I once knew someone who bragged about the value of all the jewelry she was wearing on her body often enough that one would be right to question the value of what was in her heart.
I think maybe I just don't like the pressure that some people put on other people to buy them things that better cost the right amount and be from the right store and send the right message.
A friend once told me a story about a woman who turned down an engagement ring from her fiance, a ring that his grandmother brought to America from the "old country," because it was not WORTH ENOUGH.
People like this get married every day. For better or worse? HA! Count on the worse, buddy boy.
But in no way are ALL women acting this way just as not ALL men are cheating. (I do have a theory that most of the cheaters are married to the that's-not-worth-enough people, but I could be wrong.)
If I see one more person on the Internet argue that this country was founded as a Christian nation and then use as proof that "God" is in the Pledge of Allegiance, I will pummel someone with a history book. "In God we trust" became the official motto of the country in the 1950s and that is also when God was added to the Pledge (1954). Seriously, why are people so unashamed to reveal their ignorance online? I mean, discuss all the livelong day whether or not you totally love the idea of a "free" country being based on only one religious doctrine, but at least get your damn facts straight.
It's best to stay away from me today. I have been taking care of a sick seventh-grader for five days.
It is like serving an irrational dictator in a country where middle school lasts FOREVER. That is if dictators cry about getting Sunkist instead of orange Fanta.
You want to mess with me today?