Wednesday, November 14, 2012

This Hater's Gonna Hate (Bad Mood Gif Party)

Channing Tatum is People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive. This is likely the only time you will ever hear the sentence, "The sexiest man alive is from Alabama."

So enjoy it while you can, Alabama. Because mostly you are only likely to win Baldest or Puffiest or Visor-Wearingest or North-Face-Jacket-But-No-Physical-Activity-Havingest.

I apologize, Alabama. That was uncalled for.

I'm in a grumpy mood today. I mean, something must be wrong, because I just clicked through an entire gallery of photos of "sexy" men on and mostly I thought this:


Who cares?

Yeah, maybe...
OK, sort of.
How much gel is in your hair, man?
Blah again.
Meh again.

I blame the weather. I blame this gloomy day. I blame fall. I blame Julia Roberts. Don't question why, just do it. You'll feel better if you blame her, too.

(Want to feel even better? Go read the greatest movie review EVER of Eat Pray Love.)

I also blame the fact that I woke up this morning feeling incredibly old and fat and tired.

I feel like gravity is really taking a toll on me lately. It's just a theory, right? Can I choose to ignore it the way people ignore evolution or climate change? Will this stop me from feeling like my eyelids and mouth and neck and boobs and ass are all trying desperately to touch the ground?

If I see one more story about people signing petitions to secede, I might scream.

The focus seems to be largely on Texas, although numerous other dumbasses in other states have signed petitions. Some folks are signing petitions for states in which they don't even live. Congratulations, you're an idiot.

The percentage of people signing these petitions is incredibly small. The media might as well do stories on kids who threaten to run away from home. The threats carry the same potential for actual follow-through, and the parents probably react much as most of America is right now. Don't forget to pack your underwear. Here's a PB&J. Have a nice trip. Good luck out there.

I have now read two stories about men who "committed suicide because Obama was reelected." This makes me want to scream, too. A person doesn't commit suicide because of who won an election. A person commits suicide because he is mentally ill. MENTALLY ILL. Americans, who will spend all damn day talking about cancer and buying bullshit pink toasters, can't spend half a second discussing mental illness and the toll it takes on the country every day.

This isn't about being crazy. This is about mental health. This is about suffering from depression or intense anxiety or paranoia or any other number of things. (A case could probably be made that one of these other number of things is exacerbated by watching too much irresponsible fear-mongering on Fox News.)

A mentally ill person will latch onto a reason that makes no sense in the grand scheme of things. Here, look, here's the reason. Those left behind will do this, too.

I live with this truth every God damn day of my life, so you can just go ahead and believe me.

Fuck these stories and their sensationalism.


The General Petraeus thing doesn't interest me. Too many people involved, too much immature silliness, too many people using the phrase "Tampa socialite" with a straight face.

Do you ever hate-watch The 700 Club just to see what that senile fool Pat Robertson might say? I do. He said you can't blame the general. He was in a foreign land, lonely, and a woman was throwing herself at him. And this: "He's a man."

So all men cheat? (And it's because a woman was throwing herself at the man, naturally.)

I've heard this before. We have to hear this EVERY time a person of fame cheats on his wife. A man with whom I briefly went out told me that it is IMPOSSIBLE for men not to cheat if given the opportunity.

Chris Rock put it perfectly when he said, "Men are as faithful as their options."

It makes me sad for men that people obviously believe this about them. It makes men seem rather pathetic.

But I don't actually believe that ALL men cheat, because I don't believe that ALL (fill-in-the-blank people of a certain group) always do (fill-in-the-blank with a certain activity).

For instance, it's that time of year when I want to call radio stations and tell them to shove their obnoxious jewelry store advertisements, because, if you listen to a few of these, you will start to believe that ALL women are money-grubbing, diamond-lusting pains in the ass.

Just as certain magazines make me realize I will never be Southern enough (that's a post for another day), advertisements for jewelry stores make me realize I will never be woman enough.

These ads are all of the "Ladies love diamonds, son! You better get Whoredelia a diamond or you'll be in the doghouse. Hardy har har!" variety.

I've never been one to lust over jewelry. I once knew someone who bragged about the value of all the jewelry she was wearing on her body often enough that one would be right to question the value of what was in her heart.

I think maybe I just don't like the pressure that some people put on other people to buy them things that better cost the right amount and be from the right store and send the right message.

A friend once told me a story about a woman who turned down an engagement ring from her fiance, a ring that his grandmother brought to America from the "old country," because it was not WORTH ENOUGH.

People like this get married every day. For better or worse? HA! Count on the worse, buddy boy.

But in no way are ALL women acting this way just as not ALL men are cheating. (I do have a theory that most of the cheaters are married to the that's-not-worth-enough people, but I could be wrong.)

If I see one more person on the Internet argue that this country was founded as a Christian nation and then use as proof that "God" is in the Pledge of Allegiance, I will pummel someone with a history book. "In God we trust" became the official motto of the country in the 1950s and that is also when God was added to the Pledge (1954). Seriously, why are people so unashamed to reveal their ignorance online? I mean, discuss all the livelong day whether or not you totally love the idea of a "free" country being based on only one religious doctrine, but at least get your damn facts straight.

Just whatever.
It's best to stay away from me today. I have been taking care of a sick seventh-grader for five days.
It is like serving an irrational dictator in a country where middle school lasts FOREVER. That is if dictators cry about getting Sunkist instead of orange Fanta.

You want to mess with me today?


  1. Every post I have read lately I say "oh my god this is perfectly said" or "holy shit I was thinking the exact same thing" or "wow that's so spot on and I haven't even thought of it" or all of the above.

    And that movie review is fucking spectacular. Why does Julia have so many teeth? And when I read Eat Pray Love what I took away from it was insane jealousy. I had zero desire to see the movie and am so glad I didn't.

    Shine on spirit animal!

    1. I reread that Eat Pray Love review on a regular basis. For some reason, it makes me so happy. I enjoyed the book, but the movie - ack! It's like the perfect storm of smug self-satisfaction. No one does that better than Mrs. Danny Moder!
      I do wish I could spend the next year finding myself in foreign countries, but not with Javier Bardem. I just saw him in the new James Bond movie and it's going to take me a while not to be creeped out by him.

  2. If my sister has to move to Alabama for her husband's job I'm going to tell her to hang out with YOU! I am so relieved to know that I am not the only person who watches the 700 Club for entertainment. I fucking love that show.

    1. Tell her to find me! : )

      My favorite part of the 700 Club is imagining what those women who co-host with him are thinking when he says this dumb stuff. Like the other day when he expressed surprise that women enjoy porn. Really, Pat? You haven't heard about millions of women reading 50 Shades of Grey? He's so clueless, it's enjoyable.

  3. My stint in Alabama might have lasted longer if you were my neighbor instead of those white sheet wearing, confederate flag wavers.
    People piss me off on a regular basis with their ignorance about suicide and mental health ... long stories to be written on that subject . Sick kids ...bleh

    1. I prepare myself every time I read a story about suicide or mental illness because I know the comments underneath the story are going to make me insane with rage.

      Sometimes I joke that I can't ever move back to my hometown in Louisiana because I'm way too liberal, so I better stay in Alabama. Then I remember that I live in ALABAMA. But somehow I have surrounded myself with a lovely group of creative people who don't think confederate flags are a sign of southern pride (instead of what they are - a sign of rebel forces who LOST).

  4. Add these to your list of hate for me, for yesterday. Oprah...can we move on please fro Oprah...PLEASE. Crown her the queen of something and move the fuck on. To assume all women LOVE Oprah is assuming all women are diamond hungry. Helen Hunt. And cats being great pet therapy. Oh and lastly, bitches in the work place.

    1. "Your bra is showing, Oprah. Mind your own business."

      Helen Hunt. Ugh. Worst part of every movie she's in.

  5. I am sitting here cheering you on! I agree with everything you say, and have plenty more to add. What about 100lb girls who wear XXL t shirts? I'm a Jersey Girl and have the attitude to prove it, but am afraid to post a rant on my blog in fear of people coming to my door with pitchforks and torches.

    1. Rants feel so good. The best part is when other people say, "I was just thinking the same thing!" It helps me feel like I'm not the only sane person in a world of crazies.

  6. Regarding secession:


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