Friday, November 30, 2012

Friday's Random Thoughts - VCC Lexicon Edition


Today, Jacob, Todd, my brother Tim, and I are driving to Athens to see Louis C.K perform at the Classic Center. The Great Chris Talley™ and his wife The Great Heather Talley™are also going and we're all meeting up for dinner beforehand.

As you might know, Louis C.K. is runner-up to George Clooney for position of pretend boyfriend. I believe this is proof that I am not shallow and only looking for the dreamboat. I also like slightly overweight, balding gingers.

It's really all about the personality. When I was in college, a guy approached my friend Liz and asked the best way to get my interest. (This is back in the day when guys in bars wanted me to be interested. Sigh. Those were the days. I believe this is why I now feel put out if I have to pay for my own drinks.)

Liz said, "Make her laugh."

I have been to Athens once before and when I told my mother about it, she said, "Oh! You were conceived there! In the Callaway Gardens apartment complex."

Good to know, Mom.

Sunday night, I'm going to see Duncan Sheik at Workplay. Oh Duncan, how I love thee!

I will also spend part of the weekend shopping at the 7th Annual Holiday Craft Bazaar. The event is held at several locations, such as Naked Art and Avondale Brewery. I highly recommend you stop by Bottletree, 3719 3rd Ave South, and buy something from my friend Chris Davis. Get his autograph while you're there. He's famous. 

Chris and I are excited to be in the same issue of Weld this week and writing for our former coworker Nick Patterson. (You can take the folks out of Southern Living...)

Come Monday...well, I guess I'm done. I will proceed to fall into a long winter's nap. Wake me on March 1, please.

Speaking of taking the folks out...

Did you hear the news that Jenna Bush Hager is the new editor-at-large for Southern Living?

As my spirit animal Tina Fey once said, "I want you to pay attention to the following over-the-top eye roll."

I know I shouldn't take it personally. Two years ago, when I got the news that I could no longer write essays for the magazine's back page because Rick Bragg would be doing them every month, I dealt with it with class and dignity.

No, I'm thankful to have yet another example of what matters in publishing. I was starting to forget how 15-plus literary agents have told me that, no matter how good my book might be, I don't have a platform. I'm not famous. I don't have a famous dad. I'm not the most amateurish  interviewer on the Today Show EVER. (Speaking of Today, this headline made me laugh: Matt Lauer Will Be Fired If Today Show Continues to Suck.)

Say What Now? 

Last night after reading my blog, Todd said that we must add "Go home, Lindsay Lohan" to our lexicon.

Todd and I have our own vocabulary. Yes, we're those people. We like to say things and crack up, and  other people don't have a clue what the hell we mean by "banana and pear."

So here's a little VCC vocabulary lesson.

Go home, Lindsay Lohan: You're drunk, dude. Seriously, go home.

Sacrilicious: This is my favorite descriptive word for all religion-based jokes, including the irreverent  things I write about Bad Boyfriend Jesus.

Shut up, Carrie Underwood: One day I was telling Todd about how I'd watched Soul Surfer, the inspirational movie about a girl who loses her arm in a shark attack. Carrie Underwood plays a do-gooder friend who, at some point, gives the girl who lost her arm a little lecture about healing, moving on, and trusting in God. As I was telling Todd about this scene, I said, "Oh shut up, Carrie Underwood!"

"Shut up, Carrie Underwood" is shorthand for indicating a person who does not understand shit about your situation but feels the need to tell you how to deal with it anyway.

You and Mark Twain: Todd wrote a story that I edited. I told him to remove an exclamation mark from one sentence. I said, "You know, Mark Twain said using an exclamation mark is like laughing at your own joke."

"Well," Todd said, "You and Mark Twain can suck it."

If one of us says "you and Mark Twain," that means you can suck it.
*Mark Twain didn't actually say this. It was F. Scott Fitzgerald. I blame the movie Marley & Me for misleading me. 

Banana and pear: In the car on the way to lunch several years ago, our friend Rob was complaining about all the dumb jokes people send nonstop via email. During his rant, he threw out this gem: "'What did the banana say to the pear?' Fuck you!" We cracked up. So if we say "banana and pear," it means "Fuck you."

Now, next time you hear us say one of these things, you will know what we mean and will be appropriately offended. You're welcome.

The VCC Mailbox

Hey kids, let's go to the mailbox!

This week was a stellar week for mail up in here.

Tina has been unpacking boxes that had been in storage for quite some time. She found a card addressed to me that she never mailed. She didn't open it. She sent it to me and it arrived Tuesday. It reads "Sorry this is so tardy! Happy belated birthday and Mother's Day!"

I don't know what year it's from, but I guess it was that year she never told me happy birthday, dammit.

Tina also sent me a Thanksgiving card with $5 for a latte. Awesome friend is awesome.

Also in the mailbox: a package from my cousin Richard. The packaged contained this amazing little book:


I can't wait to try out all my new "miraculous moves." I hope you'll join me in The Apostolic Conga Line.

Last but certainly not least, I got an amazing note from someone who reads my blog. He sent me a Starbucks card to fuel Friday's Random Thoughts!

I don't think I say it enough, but thank you all for reading and supporting my rants and random thoughts. It means the absolute world to me. I'm not just saying that. Without you, I'd just be a girl with a dream sitting here talking to herself. I mean, I am sitting here talking to myself, but let's just pretend I'm talking to the cats.

Happy Friday, friends!


  1. Thank you for making me laugh and I want that Jesus book for Christmas please. I need some spiritual moves up in here.

    1. I think that book is a perfect Christmas gift! WWJD? He'd dance.


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