Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Marie Claire, Why Are You Such a Bitch?

The November issue of Marie Claire arrived in my mailbox yesterday. I make fun of women's magazines a lot because they run the same stupid information over and over again and they keep trying to convince average women of middle income that $450 is reasonable to spend on one knit dress.

It is not. It is ridiculous.

This month, Marie Claire is doing its best to teach you dumb broads out there how to get through the holidays. First, they stress you out by telling you how stressed you are supposed to be.

Then  they tell you how to relieve that stress.

Then they tell you how you're beautiful just the way you are.

Then they tell you how to lose 10 pounds because just the way you are is too fat.

This recent issue has the best advice I've ever seen in any magazine for visiting your hometown and acting like the world's biggest bitch. You might think this comes naturally to some people (and, oh, does it!) but other people need a little tip here or there from the wise editors at Marie Claire.

Let's begin with #1:
Your ex-boyfriend is engaged. OK. Obviously, Marie Claire believes you should feel insecure about this because you are *gasp* single! Oh, the horror! So you are going to bring up that you are attending Harvard Business School to impress a guy who could probably give a crap.

Sure. OK. But, um, sweetie, did you really get into Harvard Business School? Because, if not, this is going to be as cringe-inducing as that time Romy and Michelle told their former classmates that they invented Post-Its.

On to #2:
Your "frenemy" had a baby. Marie Claire thinks you should feel insecure about this because *gasp* your sad, empty womb has not housed a precious human life for 9 months of puking, stretch marks, and heartburn. So Marie Claire's advice to you is to make your frenemy feel fat.

Great idea, Marie Claire. This woman just gave birth and probably hasn't had a full night's sleep since the Republican debates began. (Remember that? Remember when people were actually serious about Herman Cain. Feels like a long time ago.) Instead of congratulating this tired woman, you should talk about your job and how you never eat and this means you're just too damn skinny. (In women's magazine world, too damn skinny is code for YOU CAN NEVER BE TOO SKINNY!)


Listen, how about you act like someone who isn't a complete bitch and you congratulate this woman and ask how she's doing and coo over her adorable baby? How about that?

The girl you barely remember has the audacity to "like" things you have posted on a social media site for public consumption! The nerve!

"I'm so busy running two non-profits, I have no time to lurk on Facebook." THIS is what you're supposed to say?

Oh, fuck you.

Unless you actually do run two non-profits, we're right back to Post-It Note fantasyland here. Also, we know you have time for Facebook because that's how you found out all this information about your hometown friends, so shut it.

Side note: People who brag about not posting stuff on Facebook are like people who say they don't like television. Who the fuck doesn't like television? If you don't like television, you're doing it wrong. Turn off  E! and turn on Breaking Bad, The Walking Dead, Mad Men, Parenthood, Parks & Rec, 30 Rock, The Daily Show, and The Colbert Report.

I know you think you sound intelligent and better-than, but you sound like a pretentious douchebag.

How about this? Even if you don't really remember this person, she remembers you and she is interested in your life. That is a lovely compliment, is it not? How about you treat her with kindness and ask her how things have been? How about you express an interest in someone's life other than your own non-profit-on-a-post-it-note-bull- shit factory?

You run into the "teacher's pet." (I am starting to realize that I might have aged out of Marie Claire's target demographic. I mean, who even remembers who the teacher's pet was. And who cares?)

So, anyway, you run into someone who dared to do her homework and get good grades. You find out she now works for the President of the United States.

Marie Claire suggests that you act like a insecure dick and try to make this person feel bad for being "chained to her desk."

I suggest you do this:

"You work for the President of the United States!!!! Oh my God, that's incredible! What's it like? Is he nice? Have you met Hillary? What's Michelle like in person? Is she awesome? She's awesome! I know she's awesome! Can you introduce me? Do you get to pet the dog? Have you been in the Oval Office? WHERE IS OSAMA BIN LADEN'S BODY?!"

You do this for a solid ten minutes.

You have no reason to feel insecure and to go around trying to make other people feel insecure.

Going home again doesn't have to be stressful and full of bitchy encounters.

Just be a nice person, for your own sake and for the sake of others. Everyone's holiday season will be a lot better.


  1. Oh my gosh...first of all, I can't believe that someone at Marie Claire got paid to write that garbage in the first place! Great commentary and advice on your part.

  2. "Just be a nice person, for your own sake and for the sake of others."


  3. I have so many bitchy comments, but TIS THE SEASON right?

    Marie Claire KNOWS bitch, I'll give her that much.

  4. Marie Claire lives, yet so many great ones are gone. There's something so wrong with that.

  5. Catching up on blog reading, magazine reading, real reading—and I'm pretty pissed that I'll never get back that 30 minutes I spent flipping through this issue of Marie Claire on Saturday. Gross.

    1. Seriously, there just has to be better content that could go in a magazine.


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