Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Leftover Candy

Hey, remember when people used to write notes on Facebook? Yeah, me neither. But apparently, we did. I thought I'd share a few.

Yes, that means today's blog post is a rerun. Please don't judge me. I'm up in here churning out new material day in and day out, but today I am extremely preoccupied because it's Halloween and I have yet to decide what kind of slut I'm going to be!

It's just so hard to choose from so many slutty options. I think I'm leaning toward Slutty Rick Santorum. I'm also considering a Slutty Chris Christie™ ensemble. I just need someone to be that underdressed storm whore Hurricane Sandy.

(Someone please tell me when Halloween became scary, not based on ghouls and goblins, but based on the serious threat of catching an STD.)

My next favorite idea is to dress as someone who calls in sick to work... and then call in sick to work.

Anyway, I thought I'd gather a few sweet treats from the past for you guys. Don't choke on a razor blade.

Candy Smarts
(originally written September 10, 2009)
Recently I've been receiving a free subscription to Everyday with Rachael Ray. It just started arriving a month ago for reasons that are a mystery to me. I must be the target demographic. Except for one little thing: I can't stand Rachael Ray. Throughout the magazine, the stories refer to her as "Rach." It makes me gag every time I come across that nickname.

The magazine is a mess. It opens with a section called Talk and the background is black with white and multicolored type. I can't even read it because it looks so bad.

Everyday also is suffering from what most magazines have recently come down with: a serious case of the borings. There is absolutely nothing for a reader to sink her teeth into. There are bits and pieces, boxes and bites, but nothing satisfying. My friend Todd astutely calls the contents of current magazines "a meal of hors d'oeuvres."

The October issue is full of Halloween recipes and tips. Page 21 in the section titled "Yum" offers the worst tip of all. Ever.

"One thing that haunts us about Halloween: SAME OLD CANDIES. Shop for treats that will stand out in the candy exchange (like apple cider caramels) at"

First of all, you can't find apple cider caramels on that Web site.

Secondly, kids hate that shit.

So here's my advice to you: Fill your Halloween candy bowl with the USUAL stuff (Snickers, Kit Kats, Nerds, tiny Hersheys bars). And have a happy Halloween.

(originally written September 27, 2010)

When I first moved to Birmingham, I was stunned at the number of personalized license plates on Alabama cars. I never saw that many in Louisiana. Maybe they are cheaper here. Maybe people are just that devoted to sharing with the world who they root "4". Over here, you are either "4AU" or you are "4UA" and never the 'tween shall meet.

I spend half my drive time trying to figure out the meaning of the personalized license plates that aren't clearly for Auburn or Alabama.

This morning, Jacob and I pulled up behind a car parked in front of his high school. It was a convertible BMW driven by an overweight, middle-aged guy. We didn't see a student get out. We only saw the man sitting in his car. He sat there for a good five minutes, while Jacob finished up his egg and bacon biscuit. The BMW's personalized llicense plate: 4 PLEASR

After a few minutes, Jacob said, "Why is that guy just sitting there?"

And I said, in my creepiest voice, "For pleasuuuuuure."

And then we laughed our asses off.

8th Grade Smartassery
(originally written October 6, 2009)

The other day I received a letter in the mail from Jacob. Students in several classes wrote letters and the teachers mailed them. I love Jacob's letter. It is full of his personality and a not-so-secret message.

Orange you glad I'm a smart ass and not a dumb ass?
Dear Mom, 

At school our team is doing this event called "Can you hear me now?" It's for parents and students to come and learn about each other. It's on October 5 7-8 PM in the cafeteria. It's similar to the newlywed game. (I don't wanna go.) Our school wasted more than $36 making us mail this when we could've brought it home free. 

Jacob, your son 

P.S. I don't wanna go.

And now here is an assortment of past costume photos that are incredibly scary (but only because time is going by so quickly and my children are growing up way too fast).

Hope you and yours have a fabulous Halloween!

Modeling for Lowe's Home Improvement.  

Be grateful it's blurry.


  1. I still say you're the hardest working blogger in blogbusiness.

    1. "Amen!" - Bad Boyfriend Jesus
      "You got that right!" - George Clooney


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