Friday, October 26, 2012

Friday's Random Thoughts - That's All Edition

Want a $15 T-shirt? 
Last weekend, the kids and I participated in the Out of the Darkness walk to benefit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. It was a gorgeous day and my mom showed up with a box full of T-shirts in honor of Charles.

During the opening ceremonies, people took turns with the mike to share something about the person they were walking for. I asked the kids if they wanted to say something. They didn't. Do you want me to say something? I asked. They said no. A relief. I didn't really want to.

I don't know if the mike wasn't working or most people just didn't hold it close enough, but we couldn't hear much of what anyone said.

I leaned over to my mom and Tina and said, "It's like Forrest Gump during the protest scene. And that's all I have to say about that."

Not a lot of people turned out, but the most important people in my life - my mother and my children and my brother and my two best friends - were there. I got to walk alongside my friend Mark and his excellent wife Carolyn. I got to walk alongside the mother of my friend and favorite "pen pal" Emily.

I realize that the walk is for me and the children and it makes sense for "our" people to be there. We do it for Charles, but we also do it for ourselves.

I was disappointed that more people didn't come out. I had it in my head that I wanted Kate and Jacob to see how many people remember their dad, how many people know that he was important.

I realized, though, that they don't need a crowd to show them that. They know it. They live it.

But we do have a lot of T-shirts left.

And that is all I have to say about that.

Enough Already
You know what might actually be a gift from God?

Male Republican politicians shutting the hell up about rape.

If you ask someone why God allows bad things to happen, they will give you a lovely spiel about free will. I'm very curious about the magical thinking that says a man's free will causes the rape, which leads to his sperm leaving his body and entering a woman's body, but then OH IT'S LIKE CHRISTMAS UP IN HERE, free will is over and it's God making everything happen from here on out.

Or God is only responsible for good stuff and not the bad stuff, but if he is responsible for the bad stuff it's because he "works in mysterious ways" and you just don't understand.

Bad Boyfriend Jesus is my nickname for my faith problem.

After months of reading the daily horoscope in Jesus Calling, I realized it was not making me feel better in the least. In fact, it was pissing me off.

"Trust me. Why don't you trust me, baby?"

"You know I love you. I'm just teaching you a lesson."

"You know everything good you have is because of me. You better not ever leave me."

Yeah. OK, whatever you say, Bad Boyfriend Jesus.

I started to wonder how believing in an all-powerful being who loves you and is sending you super-secret messages is any different from this.

I went through a time when I believed, truly believed, that I was supposed to leave my well-paying job and give up my career and write a book. I thought it was my calling.


Now it feels like I was suffering from some form of mental illness.

The worst part of my faith problem is how hard it is to stop waiting for Bad Boyfriend Jesus to prove me wrong.

You are welcome to pray for me if that floats your boat and you're scared of my hell-based eternity. I do welcome all positive energy.

And that is all I have to say about that.

Speaking of the Mentally Ill

Glenn Beck says that God guided Romney to lose the debate to Obama the other night. You can read about it here (if you can stand to read more than a sentence or two of Glenn Beck-style "reasoning.")

“I am to the point that — God is trying to make this so clear to us that if it happens, it’s his finger."

Don't Let the Door Hit You

Sometimes people phase themselves out of your life. They stop inviting you to do things. They leave you out.

My advice to you: LET. THEM.

And that is all I have to say about that.

Suicide Jokes

I have written before about how it annoys me when people are bored so they put a pretend gun to their head. I've written about how silly it is because no one kills themselves out of boredom.

I'm not afraid to admit when I'm wrong.

I have spent a bit of time doing the world's most boring job and yesterday I made my first suicide joke. I was made aware of a mistake I made in a note I'd written.

Later, I told my mom that MAYBE I made the mistake because I was distracted by fantasizing about slitting my wrists to escape this boring effing job.

My mom said, "I'm glad you have your sense of humor."

I told her this is why miserable people are often very funny. Comedy is a shield and a weapon.

But, seriously, can boredom kill you?

Because I'm pretty sure I'm dying inside.

And that is all I have to say about that.

A Gift from GOP

John McCain can never do anything good enough to make up for foisting Sarah Palin on the American public.

This week, Sarah Palin used the phrase "shuck and jive" to describe President Obama.

Is she messing with us?

You know what? Actually I do believe that Palin did not realize how racist that term sounds because Sarah Palin is, quite possibly, the MOST WILLFULLY IGNORANT PERSON to ever spout nonstop bull shit on Fox News.

As for Ann Coulter, that woman knows exactly what she is saying and doing. She is a professional troll and nothing more.

If you are a fan of either of these women, you should seriously rethink your life. You're probably an asshole.

And that is all I have to say about that.

As for Donald Trump? I'll let my friend Christopher Davis share his thoughts:

Dear Media,
Please stop indulging this giant orange headed child's temper tantrums and ridiculous whims. When you televise or print what giant orange headed babies have to say, you give them validity. I expect such bad parenting from his adoptive mother and two fathers at Fox & Friends, but these play dates away from home are embarrassing for you as a media parent who neglects your other newsworthy children. I'd like to say I expect better from all of you, but sadly I don't. So the next time a fat headed, citrus colored, whiny, crass, loudmouthed kid wanders into your yard, do the adult and responsible thing. Much like a parent whose brat is throwing a tantrum in the supermarket cereal aisle, ignore him till he shuts up about the artificial, unhealthy box of junk he wants and give him the healthy bran cereal. It tastes good, it's healthier and like any good high fiber diet, it'll help him to not be so full of shit.
Love Chris

Speaking of Trolls

Within the past year, I read a news story about a man who was arrested for soliciting sex with a 14-year-old via the Internet.

Sometimes his name pops up on Facebook, so I asked someone this question, "Why isn't that guy in jail?"

The story is that his "defense" is that he was just "messing with the police." He knew it was an undercover agent and he intentionally sent gross photos of himself performing sex acts because he's just funny that way.

Um, OK. So, let me get this straight. You're so arrogant that you think it's a good idea to "mess with" the police? In other words, you are "trolling" the authorities online to get a reaction?

"I robbed that bank because I was messing with you, man! hahaha. You totally fell for it."

"Yes, I stole that car, but you know I was just kidding. You are so gullible, officer."

"Sure, I threatened to shoot that guy and showed him my gun, but I was just trying to get a reaction out of you guys. Geez, calm down."

Is there a suitable sentence for being unbelievably stupid?

Never mind, we could not afford the food and housing costs for that many people.

Friends, don't be Internet trolls.

And that is all I have to say about that.

Why It's Better To Own Stuff that Sucks 

Last night, Kate and I went to Walmart to buy a white t-shirt and pink ribbon for a performance Kate is in this evening. While there, Kate left her phone.

Shortly after we got home, we got a call from someone telling us that the phone was in customer service.

Amazing, right? Is your faith in humanity restored?

Oh stop it. Don't get sappy on me now.

As I told Kate, "This NEVER would have happened if you had an iPhone like you want. Your phone was turned in to Lost and Found because you have a crappy phone that isn't worth stealing! Yea! Now, aren't you happy your phone sucks?"

No one around here is getting an iPhone for Christmas this year.

And that is all I have to say about that.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Were Charles's parents not able to be there???

    1. Unfortunately, they were in Florida. They had the trip planned already before we knew the dates. I know they were really disappointed not to be there.

  3. If I am ever caught on the wrong side of the law I am going to try the "messing with the police" defense. I wish I'd have known about it last year when I was ticketed for running a red light on 280. Bad Boyfriend Jesus is an awesome analogy BTW.

    1. Seriously. You know a troll has lost his trollin' mind when he thinks it's a good idea to punk the police. Or maybe he's actually a pervert.
      Either way, Bad Boyfriend Jesus does not approve of that shit.

  4. good blog as usual. thanks for including me. here's to giant orange headed babies everywhere.

    1. Thanks for letting me share your fabulous letter to the media! You're awesome!

    2. Amy - loved this post - wow - you can make me laugh and cry all at once. In our temp gigs we have a lot of Ikea furniture that looks good in the store, but after you have it a few weeks, you realize how uncomfortable it is and how bad the fabric is, well there's a reason it's so cheap - Duh??

      Bad Boyfriend Jesus is inspired. Keep writing please! I abandoned my blog long ago, funny that it popped up as my M.O. because of blogspot.

      Chris you are awesome too!

  5. Calling all trolls. We have a home for you right here in Shreveport, Louisiana. All are welcome and we won't waste our time locking you up. We knew it was just a joke.

    And thats all I have to say about that.

  6. *Slow clap* Everything from Bad Boyfriend Jesus to dying from boredom, it's like...get out of my head! (But no, don't.)

    1. Once I'm in your head, you can't get me out without a court order!

  7. More kudos for Bad Boyfriend Jesus. So damn funny. (And that woman kneeling in front of Jesus was just, uh, washing his feet. With her hair. God, jump to conclusions much??)

    1. I decided Bad Boyfriend Jesus needs his own Twitter.

  8. You are my new favorite blogger ... I know you probably hear that all the time , but DAMN you are funny! I read about Charles in the archives, I am really sorry, I know that doesn't mean a lot coming from a stranger who is obviously stalking your blog now ...but I know the pain and confusion you go through for EVER after someone you love chooses such a horrible path to end their pain by taking their own life.
    Oh and the fact you love George, can't stand stupid and you tell-it-like-it-is and have a bad boyfriend Jesus means you aren't getting rid of me any time soon :)


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