Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Clooney Tuesdays: Heaven Is For Realer 2 - Electric Bullshitaloo

The family of Colton Burpo, the kid who went to "heaven" and came back and wrote a book, has a new book coming out: Heaven Changes Everything.

He and his family were on Today this morning and Colton said these wise words: "Heaven - it can change your life completely."

Wow, that's really profound.

Hey, God, next time you invite a kid to heaven and then return him to earth to spread the word maybe you could have him say something a little more inspired.

All this kid and his Heaven Is For Real brand make me feel is like I must be missing something, because all I  think every time he or his family speaks is "BULL SHIT."

At my grandmother's funeral this past spring, the priest brought up Heaven Is For Real. Don't even ask me why. I'm pretty sure it is not the kind of book my grandmother would have read.

As soon as he mentioned it and how inspiring it is, my mother reached from her pew to where I was sitting behind her and squeezed my leg HARD, probably to keep me from heckling the priest.

After Heaven Is For Real was such a hit, the family of Colton Burpo came out with a children's book. Apparently, in heaven there are white horses with rainbow-colored manes. Because heaven was designed by an 8-year-old girl.

Also, just so you know, you only get into heaven if you are Christian or Colton's miscarried little sister (who was never baptized or even developed the brain function to choose a religion, but - oh whatever).

So the rest of you should just give up on riding that rainbow pony.

I guess my major problem comes from the idea that a 4-year-old would go to "heaven" and come back with "answers" that only verify everything  he's been taught since birth by his pastor father. *cough - indoctrination - cough * Not one thing that's different? Not a dark-skinned Jesus? Nope, a fair-skinned, blue-eyed Jesus.

A review on Amazon talks about this "revelation" about Jesus's physical appearance, too:
"The big give-away was at the end of the book, when the father references another heaven-child named Akiane. She is a child prodigy in painting and drawing - mostly of visions she supposedly saw in heaven. She is also listed as one of the wealthiest 'child entrepenuers' in the country. One of her pictures is of Jesus, and Colton, having been shown this picture, concurred that, "Yes, this one's right" (that that's what Jesus looks like). A white, blue-eyed, handsome man with a longish shag haircut.
Jesus was a Jew, probably dark skinned with brown eyes. The Jews of Jesus' day wore close-cropped hair like the Romans. Paul tells us 'that it is shameful for a man to wear long hair like a woman' - he would never have written that had Jesus worn long hair. Isaiah tells us that he was not handsome, he had no comeliness that we should be drawn to him (because of his good looks). He was most likely by our human standards, a homely man. The Book of Revelation describes Jesus as now having 'white hair, like the Ancient of Days with eyes piercing like fire'. NOT a heavenly George Clooney." reviewer: Emma "Em"

(Weren't you wondering how I was going to pull George into this? Thanks "Em.")

I am more inclined to believe George Clooney went to heaven based on this commercial for Nespresso than I am to believe Colton Burpo did based on Heaven Is For Real.

Now, there's a second book, Heaven Changes Everything.

The banality of these titles is killing me.

Am I cynical? Yes, I am. Am I an agnostic? Yes, I am. Am I going to hell? Apparently.

I also have a strong aversion to lame-ass crap.

Maybe I just have no interest in people talking about heaven or hell. How about you concentrate on your life now? Stop looking for ways to make money off selling eternal bliss and stop looking for ways to make money off threatening people with eternal hell.

A classmate of Kate's once told her that Kate's dad was in hell because he committed suicide. I did not immediately go to that child's house, grab that child by the neck and throttle him. If that doesn't qualify me for eternal bliss, I don't know what does. If Kate's father is in hell, then I seriously have no interest in Colton Burpo's bull shit heaven full of bull shit rainbow-maned horses.

Listen, just do me a favor and stop throwing your money at these people.

Maybe you could be like George Clooney and offer a little something directly to those in need.
Last night in New York City

I don’t believe in Heaven and Hell. I don’t know if I believe in God. All I know is that as an individual, I won’t allow this life — the only thing I know to exist — to be wasted. - George Clooney


  1. I think, regardless of what anyone believes, that George Clooney quote is fantastic.


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