Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Charitable Consumption (Stop Buying It)

No magazine in America is allowed to put out its October issue without having at least one spread devoted to pink shit.

If you are not sick of the color pink by the end of October then you, my friend, are colorblind. Don't worry. You can still live life like a typically-abled person. You just have to put up with people asking you this question again and again, "But what does it look like to you? I don't understaaaaaaand." I do this to my son and my father at least two times a year.

As decreed by the Women's Service Magazines Law of Bull Shit Product Placement, the October issue of O Magazine features two pages of "fabulous, feel-good products."

No, stop feeling good right now. This is horse shit. Let's peruse the lot.

That is a $130 scarf. Make you feel good supporting breast cancer awareness by buying this scarf for yourself? Stop it. You have enough goddamn scarves. Send $130 directly to Women at Risk.

Those are $198 pajamas. Who do you think you are? The Queen of Sheba? You are not. Sleep in one of the 500 T-shirts you have stacked in your closet like a real American, and then send  $198 directly to the Breast Cancer Research Foundation.

This is one of a pair of earrings from Kara by Kara Ross. Fuchsia lizard-skin hexagons.

What are you thinking? These are fugly.

And God knows you don't need another pair of dangly, fugly earrings.

Fuchsia, lizard-skin hexagons? Seriously?


Stop it.

You have horrible taste.

If you have $175 to spend on this tacky shit, you can just hand that $175 over to Planned Parenthood.

You're just messing with me now, right? You're going to spend $55 on a box of gluten-free macarons so you can feel good about supporting women's causes?

First of all, stop it with the gluten-free shit. You do not have Celiac Disease. Just shut it. Stop letting women's magazines convince you that you should eat gluten-free crap.

Now, do you have $55 to spend on a box of cookies? You are going to send $55 directly to the Mission Women's Wellness Center  instead and you are going to save yourself 2,400 calories.

Are you the sort of person who likes to have labels on everything she owns? Are you the sort of person who thinks the kind of purse you carry is going to make up for the other areas of your life that are lacking?

Snap out of it.

$358 is a ridiculous amount of money to spend on a purse just so 20 percent of it can go to a good cause.

If you have $358 to spend on a Coach satchel to carry "all your weekend essentials," then you can just hand it over directly to the Breast Cancer Research Foundation.

Everyone knows you have enough goddamn satchels.

And you don't need a special purse for the weekend. Please. You're not the heroine of a chick flick getting whisked away by George Clooney to Lake Como. You're going to the grocery store. Get over yourself.


  1. Have I mentioned lately how much I prefer men's mags to women's?

    But I could certainly do without my football players donning pink wrist bands.

    1. I feel like I've read everything there is to see in women's magazines. Wear sunscreen? Yes, I know. You told me this last year and the year before! Lose a jean size in a month? Sure, fine. Swimsuits that are best for my body type? Yes, I got it. I'm a pear. You told me this already!
      Was it Shakespeare who said there's nothing new under the sun?
      I think Shakespeare was talking about women's service magazines.

  2. This weekend I asked my mom. "I wonder if they call those their boob socks" referring to the Texas A&M's uniforms...Going to put on my boob socks now and take the field.


    1. Boob socks sound really comfortable. WAY more comfortable than that evil bra I was wearing today. We should invent Boob Socks™ immediately!

  3. I might pee myself from laughing. Loved this. Especially: "First of all, stop it with the gluten-free shit. You do not have Celiac Disease. Just shut it. Stop letting women's magazines convince you that you should eat gluten-free crap." Pink, gluten free crap no less. Although, I kinda did like the satchel. Not for four hundred bucks and not because of anything breast cancer related though.

    1. I went out with a guy who has Celiac Disease and he would get so pissed at these idiots and say, "Do you think I wouldn't eat flour if I could?"
      Then he'd go sit on the toilet for two hours.
      Poor guy.

  4. I just want you to know that you are my pink-loathing soul mate. And my gluten-free-hater soul mate. It's all ridiculous. And I'm tired of coming up with desserts without flour.

    1. Sisterhood of the Gluten-Free Haters.
      Our jeans don't magically fit because we're eating some damn gluten up in here!

  5. Enough with the pink already! I accidentally bought a bag of pink tortilla chips at the grocery store and almost kicked myself! Damnit! At least they didn't cost $50.00. Next time I'll save the dollars for my donation to PP instead!

    1. Confession: I could probably be convinced to buy pink chips, but that's only because I really like colorful chips.
      And pasta. Colorful pasta is awesome.

  6. I wish the chips were pink! That would be awesome! But in this case the bag was pink, not the chips :( Failure!


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