Friday, August 31, 2012

Friday's Random Thoughts - Pants on Fire Edition

If you've been watching the Republican National Convention, then you probably saw Paul Ryan's speech and you know that he told several rather large lies in his speech. Although, it is true that his dad's name was Paul and his mom's name was Betty. And he does still live on the block where he grew up. Well done, Mr. Ryan.

Fox News columnist Sally Kohn called the speech, "dazzling, deceiving and distracting." Yes, read that again: A Fox News columnist.

She also said this:

"The good news is that the Romney-Ryan campaign has likely created dozens of new jobs among the legions of additional fact checkers that media outlets are rushing to hire to sift through the mountain of cow dung that flowed from Ryan's mouth."

I see black people.
Last night at the convention, your senile grandpa Clint Eastwood took the stage and had an argument with an imaginary Barack Obama. Yes, read that again: An old white man with uncombed hair had a conversation with someone who was not there.

Was it a skit? Was it pointless? Was it sillier than starring in a movie with an orangutan? Maybe. Yes. Definitely.

In honor of all these right-wing shenanigans, I've decided to share five lies I've told in my life:

Lie #1 
Second grade

I sometimes played Barbies with the girl who lived across the street. I would bring over my bag full of Barbie stuff and we'd spread it out with her stuff on her bedroom floor. One day, I asked if I could borrow a Barbie wedding dress of hers for a few days. She said no. So, when it was time for me to leave, I slid it into my bag while I was packing up the rest of my stuff, thinking I'd slip it back out and return it the next time we played. The next day, I was in my front yard and she came out in her front yard. She said, "I know you took my Barbie wedding dress."

"What?!" I said, an appropriate look of indignation on my second grade face. "No, I didn't."

I never returned the dress.

Lie #2
Sixth grade

I watched Somewhere in Time at my dad's house one summer. At the end, I cried.

As I was walking out of the family room and toward the bathroom, so I could weep privately, my dad saw me crying.

"What's wrong?" he said.

I was embarrassed, so I lied and said, "My stomach hurts."

Lie #3
Ninth grade

My mom was in bed with the flu. I told her I was going to bed. Instead, I snuck out my bedroom window and went to a party with someone who was too old for me.

When I got home sometime after midnight, I was standing outside my bedroom window about to open it, when I saw the bedroom light flip on and flip off again. I waited a few minutes, then I climbed in the window, got in bed under the covers and pretended to be asleep.

Because that was totally going to work.

Not 30 seconds later, my mom came barreling in the room and smacked my behind. She pulled me out of the bed and started yelling at me for being a big liar and then she told me she was going to paint my bedroom door red for "whore."

I can't lie about this part: "Red door whore" is quite possibly my favorite phrase from adolescence. My brother and I still use it regularly.

Lie #4
My twenties

Every election day, I'd go along with it when coworkers or friends assumed I'd visited my local polling place to do my civic duty.

I hadn't.

I wasn't even registered to vote.

Lie #5
The first 35 years of my life

"Yes, I've been flossing."

No, no I hadn't been flossing.

I hope you've all learned an important lesson today. Lying doesn't pay. Stealing is wrong. There's nothing more important than your dental health. 

And Red Door Whore™ is the best color to paint any door. 
Knock, knock. Who's there? This whore.
Related links: 
Salon: Paul Ryan's Brazen Lies
Fox News: Paul Ryan's Speech in Three Words


  1. Replies
    1. Congratulations! You just won "Comment of the Day."

      Yes, it's the only comment so far today, but I doubt I will love any comment as much as I love this one.

      Your prize is invisible. I'll send it along as soon as Clint Eastwood is finished talking to it.

    2. I couldn't believe Clint's speech last night, I had to watch it on the internet this morning and I thought wow, this is a doddering old man. Then I watched further and realized when he was saying he was of like mind with the people in the room that he didn't know where he was. Then Bless his heart when he started with the Obama routine I realized he thought he was doing his old Vaudeville act and it just got sad.

  2. I love it. It's gotta feel good to come clean on that stolen Barbie wedding dress after all of these years. BTW, I still exaggerate my flossing frequency. I tell them I do it daily but I really only do it when something gets stuck between my teeth.

    1. I've been carrying around that Barbie wedding dress lie for a long time. I feel like a weight has been lifted.


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