Thursday, August 9, 2012

Dear Diary - Middle School Is Like Totally the Worst

Today, I registered my 12-year-old daughter, Kate, for seventh grade. I was going to share with her some of my memories of my own seventh-grade experience (so she could get in some important eye-rolling practice), but I blocked them all out because seventh grade was the worst.

I wrote yuck next to every yearbook photo of myself.
Middle school self-esteem problems are the greatest.
Luckily, I still have my diary from middle school. It is a fantastic glimpse into the mind of a deranged 12-year-old.

In honor of my daughter navigating the unnecessarily difficult and borderline evil preteen years, here's a sample of the gripes and grievances contained within this literary treasure.

Date: 8-3-85
Today is Saturday. Yesterday I went shopping with Aunt Vickie. I bought this diary, a nightgown, a book, and a blank book I can write stories and poems in.
I also got my face made up. I got lip gloss, purple eyeshadow, and blush. It was fun!
I love this diary. It's so pretty. I'm not going to make any mistakes!

Oh, Amy, you fool. You're going to make plenty of mistakes.

I'm inside reading and drinking a coke. The book is good. The coke is diet. 
Everyone else is outside and Carolyn [my stepmother] is at work. I'm glad. I hope she's forgotten about her make-up. It hurt me when she accused me of using it without being sure. It really did. 

It is important to note that I did, in fact, sneak into my dad and stepmom's bathroom and play with my stepmother's make-up. But, good God, how dare she accuse me of using it?! What gave me away? The blue eyeshadow?

I just asked Tim to help me clean up the TV room and he blew up in my face. Lord, he's such a brat!

This is the beginning of a theme.

Today Daddy got real mad. Me, Tim, and Wesley had to sit down. It was because we were running. Tim was chasing me. I had his dart which he shot at me! (I hate Tim!) Daddy was real mad. He cut himself shaving. 

Poor Daddy. Never shave when you are shaking with rage over having had children.

This whole summer I've been moody. M-O-O-D-Y!

Date: 8-4-85
This morning we were gonna watch Kids Inc but Carolyn went and changed the channel. "Wesley likes this better." 

Clearly my stepmother was evil. HOW dare she change the channel when the early artistic work of Fergie was on the screen?!
I hurt my hand and it's killing me. Actually, Tim did it and I want to get him back good!

I hope you're sleeping with one eye open, Tim.

Date: 8-5-85
I've had The Cramps all day. 
P.S. Sherry called me a B-I-T-C-H. I keep wondering what I did to her. 

I don't remember who you are Sherry, but I hope you're sleeping with one eye open, too.
The Cramps

Date: 11-22-85
I've gone to two dances this year. One at the school. It was boring. Then I went to a Halloween dance at the church. That one was fun. Great! The last dance I danced with Chris. It was so awkward. He put his hands on my shoulders when he should have put them on my waist. I got away. 

Oh, Chris, you big awkward dummy.

Lately, I've been getting aggravated really easy. Every little sound gets me irritated. And if someone says something and I'm reading or writing or anything, I'll feel like yelling, "SHUT UP!" Sometimes I don't like anyone or anything. I hate it. 

This still happens. Every 28 days, I hate all you motherfuckers.

I just ate my dinner. I had a Cherry Coke and some noodle hamburger junk. 

Mom, I love your home cooking.

Date: 12-28-85
I'm back. It was a horrible trip. When we got back, Grandmother and Mommy were talking about me like I wasn't even there or actually they were talking about 12-year-olds. Oh, I'm too mad to even write about it! 
Timothy loves Mommy! He's her little darling! He's a pain in the ASS!

I hope we've all learned an important lesson about how wrong it is to talk about 12-year-olds like they're not even there!

Date: 1-3-85
I have a problem!

Perhaps, it's your overzealous use of exclamation marks, 1985 Amy.

I have a friend, Stacy. I have another friend, Kim. Stacy and her group and Kim and her group hate each other. Kim passes rumors about Stacy. They say she's pregnant! Can you believe that?! Stacy's nice! When Kim talks about her, I don't like it, but what can I say?!

You could say, "Hey, bitch, shut up!"

Date: 3-28-86
There's a dance next Friday! I'm definitely going! It's at the church. I hope Ken or Jeff is there. Jeff is cute but Ken, well, Ken is nice and I think he likes me. I sort of like him. Jeff's just there to be cute, I guess. 
P.S. I wish Tim would shut up!

Dear Jeff, whoever you are, I apologize for objectifying you.

Date: Who cares
I'm bored. Lollie smokes. She smoked two cigarettes today. Maybe I'm a goody-goody but I don't want to smoke. 
The stupid dogs next door are barking. I wish they'd shut up. 

Lollie, apologies for busting you 27 years later. Your friend the Goody-Goody. (I also apologize for throwing a shoe at you that one day.)

Date: 9-29-86
I went with Randy for three days and then he broke up with me, I think because he liked someone else. Oh well. 

Randy, you sonofabitch.

Date: 11-26-86
I had a major fight with Mom last night. I can't believe how I talked to her. She said I should call Daddy because she was sick of me.

Date: 12-23-86
I peeked at one of my presents and I feel so-o-o guilty. I wish I had waited so it would be a surprise. It's a check from Daddy! I don't know for how much though. I swore to myself I wouldn't look. I've never looked in one of my presents before. 

Well, that's it. You're going to hell, Amy.

Anyway, we've got our tree up. It's pretty.
Big Mouth of the South and me on my 12th birthday
Tim just walked in and he's never playing with Zach again! Sure, I'll believe it when I see it. I'll go now since Big Mouth of the South is here!

hahahaha Middle School Amy cracks me up.

I think it's important to note that I love my brother, Tim, very much.

I hope you've all enjoyed this little trip through the mind of a hormone-addled middle schooler. Please wish me luck in making it through the next two years of Kate's life.



  1. OMG, thank you so much for that. I would be scared as hell to read my 7th grade diary. I was such a moody little brat myself. However, I know I was completely boy-crazy back then so I am sure it was all about when I would get my first french kiss. (It was back-to-school night in 8th grade by the way)

    1. I edited out an entire entry about all the boys I liked and how I made a chart to see who I liked the most! Under one of the boys' names, it said "Cute but let's face it, not smart." hahaha Oh Lord. I have not changed at all. And once it got to the high school years, I think I had some post-traumatic stress from reading it.

    2. My CMM yearbook has "Fine" written next to a bunch of different guys. Strange but my tastes have not really changed. I still like 12 year old boys (kidding!)

    3. hahaha
      So does mine! And I drew devil horns and a mustache and beard on my math teacher, who actually was evil.

  2. Love Tim's suspenders. Man that kid just can't not wear them. What a hipster.

  3. LAUGHING MY ASS OFF. this is so awesome. so the eye rolling and annoyance started A LONG LONG LONG TIME AGO. I love this. its probably the funniest blog you've written.


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