Tonight is the very exciting "Men Tell All" episode. I cannot wait to watch these douchebags rehash all their super-sincere and serious feelings for Emily.
I might even live blog it, which is just another way of saying I might watch it while I type up snarky comments because I'm home alone and the damn kitten never laughs when I say hilarious things. She just looks at me like I'm so totally stupid. She has quite an attitude for a creature who depends on me to feed her.
I'll begin with this gif of Arie and Emily making out. I watch the show mostly to watch Arie making out.
"You weren't there for the right reasons."
Right away in the promo of what's coming up, we get the phrase these people love. The right reasons. People on reality shows are always obsessed with the "right reasons" but if you were that worried about sincerity you probably wouldn't be looking for "love" on a reality show.
"Most dramatic." Chris Harrison has said those two words so many times it should be put on his headstone. "Most dramatic headstone EVER."
To keep up this standard of always getting more dramatic on the show, someone is going to have to kidnap Liam Neeson's daughter or something during the next Rose Ceremony.
Yes, let's start with Ryan, the biggest douchebag of the season. This dude is gross. Here's an awesome picture of him in his super-manly tank top.
"F*ck, y'all." Oh my gosh, I wish they'd shown Emily spilling her wine and cursing in the original show. "And I said fuck in front of my date." Emily is adorable. Just for the record, I curse in front of all my dates. For the right reasons.
ARIE! First sighting. Of course, it's a clip of them making out! And Arie's brothers are spying on them.
Now they're making fun of Bachelor Chris's dancing skills. Can't they see how emotionally unstable that man is?
Chris Harrison offers Emily $4 to do the running man. $4? Serously, Chris, I'm pretty sure you make enough money to pay more than $4 to see Emily do the running man. Cheapskate.
Ew, a promo for Bachelor Pad. So gross. At least on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, the people can pretend they aren't in it for money. (Spoiler: They're in it for the fame.)
"You didn't earn your spot here," says some generic blond. Really, bimbo?! How did you earn your spot here? By passing an STD test?
The promos for Bachelor Pad, much like commercials for Dance Moms, make we want to look into what exactly someone would need to build a huge bomb that would destroy the entire human race.
Isn't it time God sent another flood or something?
Thirty minutes into the show and the men are just now being introduced. Man, this show is magnificent at wasting time. I mean, it's called "The Men Tell All."
Sean looks cute as ever. And of course the first comment is about Emily looking like a goddess. That's all these guys ever say, how beautiful she is. Because you know what the right reason is to be here, right? To land a beautiful babe.
Look, there's Chris looking all crazy-eyes. That guy freaks me out.
Yes, dude, you were.
Chris is not redeeming himself at all here. He seems like someone with no sense of humor about himself at all. There's nothing worse than a person who doesn't have a sense of humor about himself.
Kaylon, am I spelling that right? Are there women who are really attracted to people like that? He's so, what's the word? Slippery? Slimy? Embarrassingly greasy?
"The right reasons." There's that phrase again. Apparently all these guys instantly want to be the dad to Ricki. I have to say if I started dating a guy and he was all about becoming a "dad" to my kids, I'd be weirded out.
I need another cocktail.
Back from commercial break and it's time to showcase the villian, Krypton.
I truly loved when Emily told him to "get the fuck out" after he called her daughter "baggage."
"I don't think anyone would have held it against you to pull yourself out if you knew you didn't want that in your life?" Understanding Therapist Chris says to the villain.
You really should pull out if you don't want a child.
"I like to hear you talk but not until I finish." That line that K-lawn said was the worst. You could see on Emily's face that she wanted to murder him with one of her stiletto heels.
Ryan. His facial hair reminds me of this Ken doll I had when I was a kid. He was a shaving Ken doll. He came with a brown marker so you could draw facial hair onto him. That's what Ryan's face looks like.
I have to say this for him, Ryan does have a sense of humor about himself. You'd have to have one to wear that tank top.
I wish they wouldn't show Crazy Chris anymore. I think he needs therapy.
Honestly, Ryan makes sense to me. All these guys seem offended that Ryan didn't instantly think Emily was the woman for him. That seems more genuine than 24 guys who were convinced Emily was the one for them when they didn't even know her (other than her looks, of course. Let's not forget the priorities here).
Have I had too much to drink or did Ryan just do pretty well? I like that he laughs at himself.
Oh no. Here comes Crazy Chris.
"Thanks for starting this on a weird note." Host Chris says. How else did you expect it to start? I want to cover my face in secondhand embarrassment right now.
On a somewhat serious note here, I really wish there was a way to know what these guys think love is. How do they actually feel? It'd be nice if it could be calculated scientifically, charted and measured and explained. Because I really can't believe that what most of these guys felt is love. Lust? Sure. Strong like driven by pride and fear of rejection on national TV? Yep. But love? Real, actual, first 15 minutes of Up kind of love? No way.
They're really dragging out this footage of Sean getting the boot.
Lady crying in the audience, please give me a break.
Sean seems like a genuinely good guy.
I can't believe I'm typing this sincere shit. I'm embarrassed. I'll try to think of some way to make fun of him. Hmm...
I could think better if he'd take his shirt off.
Oh good, here comes Emily.
Sean handled it like a champ.
Crazy Eyes Chris needs a sedative.
This part is really, really pushing all my secondhand embarrassment buttons.
Apparently, Krylon has a Twitter on which he posts bad jokes about Emily and baggage so she's ripping him a new one.
Oh come on, Emily, Kayladashian has plenty of klass and kharacter.
Commercial break: I truly do not understand a Jason Bourne movie without Matt Damon in it.
I like how much Emily curses. No surprise there, I guess.
Why don't they show some of the funny stuff during the episodes? Would that ruin the rampant douchebaggery?
When they come back we get a sneak peek at the "dramatic finale." Chris Harrison needs a thesaurus. Here, let me visit thesaurus.com:
Main Entry: dramatic [druh-mat-ik]I'm pretty sure all of America isn't waiting for next Sunday night, Chris.
Part of Speech: adjective
Definition: exciting, moving
Synonyms: affecting, breathtaking, climactic, comic, effective, electrifying, emotional, expressive, farcical, histrionic, impressive, melodramatic, powerful, sensational, startling, striking, sudden, suspenseful, tense, theatrical, thespian, thrilling, tragic, tragicomic, vivid
Ooh, Arie sighting!
I know she's going to pick Jef, the guy who lost his second F, but I'd pick Arie if I was dating a bunch of guys on a reality show.
Which, obviously, I wouldn't be because I roll my eyes too much and my boobs aren't big enough for reality TV.
Also, I would die of embarrassment if someone read a letter they'd written to me and I had to sit there and be filmed reacting to it. It's kind of like having someone write you a song and then sing it to you in front of other people. Eek. No. Too much. It's just TOO. MUCH.
Well, I guess we're done.
Oh, wait, Emily is talking about her cats and making cat videos. See, she's so much more than a pretty face, isn't she?
Thanks for dropping by for the most dramatic live blogging yet.
Note: Bachelorette contestant Kalon was referred to as Kaylon, Krypton, K-lawn, Krylon, and Kayladashian in this post.