Today is Morgan Freeman's 75th birthday. Morgan Freeman is my favorite president, favorite prisoner in Shawshank, favorite chauffeur for racist old white ladies, and favorite bucket lister.
Please imagine him narrating the rest of this post.
Today is also Marilyn Monroe's birthday.
I know both of these celebrity birthdays because, when I was pregnant with Kate, her due date was June 1. She was born two days earlier because I went in for my weekly appointment and my doctor said, "Want to have this baby today?" I believe he had a golf game scheduled for the next day.
So now Kate shares her birthday with Wynonna Judd, Mel Blanc, Benny Goodman, and Cee Lo Green.
Page 6: Advice column."My teenager insists that using a tanning bed prevents burning at the beach. But is she just doing double damage?" You and your teenager are morons.
Page 20: There's been a significant increase in women with skin cancer on their lips. I don't put on enough sunscreen. Well, shit. I'm probably going to get cancer.
Page 35: A bathing suit story. How to look slimmer. Hmm, do I need the suit that distracts from the derriere or the one that minimizes muffin top? Or the one that streamlines the hips? Or flatters the legs? Oh, there we go, the "all-over slenderizing" suit. I feel fat.
Page 43: "Get Your Body Beautiful." Here are a whole bunch of products for "perfecting" my skin. I'm exhausted.
Page 46: "Best Body-Hair Remover" Men are so lucky.
Page 62: Photos of Janet Jackson's weight gains and losses, information about her Nutrisystem ads. The message is clear: You feel fat, don't you? You should lose weight, too.
Page 66: Burn more than 300 calories in less than 30 minutes. In a pool. I don't have a pool. Next.
Page 76: "Double Your Desire: These five words will bring you closer in the bedroom." I don't have a man. Next.
I really wish I had a pool.
Page 82: A story on purses and back pain. That's right. Your purse is also too fat.
I recently painted my living/dining rooms, entry and hallway a lovely soft white called Acadia White by Benjamin Moore. Now I'm getting the urge to paint my bedroom. The color I'm feeling is pink. I know it's girly, but I'm a girl. And, as we already established, I do not have a swimming pool or a man. If I want a pink bedroom, I can have one.
I did some googling and these are the images I saved:
I especially love the Miles Redd living room.
After I paint the room pink, I'll get a yink. "He likes to wink. He likes to drink. He likes to drink, and drink, and drink. The thing he likes to drink is ink. The ink he likes to drink is pink."
Obviously, I am someone who has memorized a lot of lines from Dr. Suess books. I'm also someone who believes in the power of paint when I am craving change. Paint or fire. Sometimes I fantasize about burning my house down and leaving the country.
So...Pink it is!
Have a good weekend, everyone.