Let's begin with what is undoubtedly the most awesome photo of Brad Pitt ever taken.
This pleases me. I'm glad to know I was not alone in having a mother who subjected me to hideous haircuts. I believe she used the put-a-bowl-on-head-and-cut-around method.
|The 70s are no excuse for this.|
I'm glad I eventually escaped her evil clutches.
No, no, she wasn't evil. She was just working out her own psychological damage. When my mom was a child, my grandfather used a piece of tape to create a straight line so he could trim my mom's bangs. He placed the tape carefully across her forehead. Then he cut across, perfectly even, except that, instead of cutting below the tape, he cut ABOVE it!
Unfortunately, I don't have photo evidence of this. But my mom told me the story enough times to make it clear that this was a Top Ten Traumatic Experience of her youth.
Parents, put down the scissors. You seriously suck at giving haircuts.
Now, here's a photo of someone else who was subjected to horrible haircuts. We really are soul mates.
Two Reasons I'm Ashamed of America*
*This headline does not mean there are only two things that make me ashamed of America. There are many more. These are just two of them.
Reason No. 1: E! News.
First of all, a network using an exclamation mark as part of its name is like Herman Cain using an exclamation mark as part of his book title: It's a reminder that actual excitement for which an exclamation mark might be warranted is in short supply up in here.
Occasionally, I leave E! on after I finish watching The Soup. Sometimes, The Soup is followed by E! News. Always, I watch just long enough to be reminded that it's high time someone killed off the human race. No, really, we're too stupid to live.
Reason No. 2: Dance Moms
I saw a commercial for that TV show Dance Moms. Have you seen Dance Moms? I hope you haven't. It's a show about a HORRIBLE woman who yells at small girls, puts them in skanky costumes, and teaches them skanky dance moves. It is also about the mothers of the girls. These women sit in a room and snipe at one another and at the woman who runs the dance school and she snipes back at them. Here's a video of the girls in their skanky outfits doing a skanky dance.
It reminds me of what Chris Rock said of his daughter, "My only job in life is to keep her off the pole."
But it's not the existence of that show that made me climb aboard the Mayan 2012 Let's End This Thing Already Express. Here's why I'm ashamed of you, America. What I realized shortly into the commercial is that it wasn't an ad for the original Dance Moms. It was an ad for a NEW show, a spin-off: Dance Moms: Miami.
Oh my God, America, seriously? One version of this show wasn't enough for you?
You and Mark Twain
All that exclamation mark talk reminded me of one of my inside jokes with my friend Todd.
When we worked at Southern Living, I would sometimes edit his stories for special editions or he might ask me to read over one of his stories for the main magazine before he turned it in. One of these times, I said everything sounded great, but he should change his use of an exclamation mark in one of the sentences to a period.
"You know," I said, "Mark Twain said using an exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke."
To which Todd replied: "Well, you and Mark Twain can suck it."
I love Todd.
Now, if you ever hear one of us say, "You and Mark Twain...", you'll know it's our shorthand for telling you to take your opinion and shove it.
Now that I've Googled this quote that was supposedly from Mark Twain, it seems it's from something the John Grogan character (Owen Wilson) said erroneously in the movie Marley & Me. All over the Web, the quote is attributed to F. Scott Fitzgerald.
But "You and F. Scott Fitzgerald..." just doesn't have the same ring to it.
Dammit, you really can't trust Hollywood, can you? I mean, now I'm starting to question whether or not a mother of three actually can have a body like Grogan's wife as played by Jennifer Aniston.
I'm also convinced anew that my initial review of that movie was correct: No one would be crying over that dog's death at the end because the dog wouldn't have made it past the movie's first third. I'd have killed that four-legged asshole after it ate the sofa.
Don't Take Drugs, Kids
Have you seen Sweet Genius on Food Network? If you have, then you know it is the Cirque du Soleil of cooking shows in that you should never, ever, ever watch it after dropping acid. This remains true even if that time you dropped acid was two decades ago and you think there are no lingering effects.
Sweet Genius (and any of the many versions of Cirque du Soleil) will most certainly set those long-hidden effects free from the teeny-tiny crevices of your slightly-damaged brain.
The host of the show is Ron Ben Israel and he haunts my nightmares.
This cartoon cracks me up.
The Miracle of Birth
No. 1: It's not really a miracle. It's damn common. Our bodies were made for it. It's biology. Animals give birth all the time. Yes, yes, it's a great experience and amazing but sorry, no, it's not a miracle. Unless you were impregnated by the Holy Spirit and your husband didn't leave you when you told him the baby wasn't his. That might be a miracle, I guess.
No. 2: No one really wants to hear your "birth story" unless you were trapped in an elevator and Mark Paul Gosselaar delivered your baby.
|Sure, I can come over and deliver your baby.|
Seriously, it's time for comedies based on childbirth stories to experience the miracle of death.