Monday, April 30, 2012

Fifty Shades of Stupid (NSFW)

The top three fiction titles in America are Fifty Shades of Grey, Fifty Shades Do Me Harder and Fifty Shades My Husband Bores Me in Bed.

In case you've been living in a cave without WiFi, this erotic trilogy is about a dominant/submissive relationship between a dumb, young woman and an older man who is turned on by being a domineering asshole. This woman, Ana, is a virgin until she meets Christian and then she basically becomes his "beck and call girl."

Entertainment Weekly says Fifty Shades of Grey "is in a class by itself." This is the sort of blurb that says nothing. I mean, you could use this for pretty much anything.

Hitler: "In a class by himself."
Snooki: "In a class by herself."
Ernest Goes to Jail: "In a class by itself."

Women across America are reading it because Americans read whatever the media tells them to read. Bloggers are writing about how "fun" the books are and how the books are helping them to finally give in to all the begging and have sex with their boring husbands. On weeknights, no less!

Another selling point for a lot of reviewers on is "I finished it in two days!" because everyone knows that books are better if completed in the shortest amount of time possible. Unlike sex.

Husbands, you should immediately run out and buy these books for your wives. But don't try any funny business without asking. Just because your wife is reading that book doesn't mean she's going to finally go for any butt stuff.

Apparently, none of these women ever heard of Penthouse Letters before. Guess what? With Penthouse Letters you can get straight to the sex and you don't have to suffer through 500 pages of crap writing.

An article on stated that "the vast majority of fans fawn over the emotional relationship Anastasia and Christian have, not about the sex."

HA! I'm calling bull shit on that. Women are reading it for the sex. Are women seriously pretending they are reading it for the emotion?

Maybe people just need their soft porn to be socially approved and validated by excess amounts of publicity and - bonus - to have its origins as Twilight fan fiction.

That's right. These books began as a story called Master of the Universe and were based on the idea of Bella and Edward living in an alternate universe where vampires do not exist. You know, an alternate universe that is a lot like the actual universe.

America, you make me sad.

On a happy note, the books have inspired all sorts of hilariousness.

Just for you, I've gathered a few important links to get you familiar with this literary phenomenon:

Go here for a brief synopsis:

Go here for excerpts from the book. The commentary below each excerpt is the best part:
Here's an example:

No fisting, you say. Anything else you object to?” he asks softly.
I swallow.
“Anal intercourse doesn’t exactly float my boat.”
“I’ll agree to the fisting, but I’d really like to claim your ass, Anastasia. But we’ll wait for that. Besides, it’s not something we can dive into,” he smirks at me. “Your ass will need training.”
“Training?” I whisper.
“Oh yes. It’ll need careful preparation.
Fifty Shades of Grey, p. 186.
just some normal talk with my normal boyfriend. the ole’ ball and chain as they say! talking about fisting and claiming people’s assholes. normal couple stuff.
NOTES: 174 4/24/12 — 7:49pm SHORT URL:
FILED UNDER: #50shadesofgrey  #50shadesofsuck

Don't read this tumblr at work. You will die laughing.

Go HERE for the best review of the book.

Here's Ellen reading the book for the audio version:


  1. Hahaha. I just laughed out loud. We actually are reading this for book club. (I know. Stop rolling your eyes at me. :-)) I'm definitely skipping all of the boring emotional stuff and getting right to the sex scenes. Which, P.S., are not nearly as hot and erotic as my own fantasies. I will not be reading the sequels.

    1. That book club sounds better than my Classics book club. (I'm going to have to write a post about how I didn't even read the classic for my own dumb book club!)

      Reading excerpts of that book has made me laugh harder than almost anything else in a long time.

  2. I am too hung up on the fact that this 50 Shades of Crap is nothing more than Twilight fanfiction. These characters are the author's Edward and Bella.

    And since it goes without saying that Twilight is crap I will never read, then this is even more crap I will never read.

    1. I read the first two Twilight books just so I could make fun of them from a place of knowledge and they were definitely crap. They weren't even fun crap like a good Sandra Brown or Nora Roberts book.
      Plus, if I'm going to read a romance novel, there better be some damn sex in it. Stephenie Meyer seriously cannot write. (Neither can this EL James woman. These Shades of Grey books are AWFUL. I've read some excerpts and it's like reading something a 14-year-old girl wrote on loose leaf paper while lying on her bedroom floor. And I feel like that's actually an insult to 14-year-old girls!)

  3. One of the other blogs I follow made a comment about how it's just too difficult to believe this Ana character is a 21 year old virgin who has never masturbated and she is able to achieve multiple, mind-blowing orgasms during her first sexual encounter... while standing up.

    Yeah right!


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