Saturday, February 25, 2012

Plan B (The New Underground Railroad)

From a recent AP report: "In a ruling that appears headed toward appeal, a federal judge has ruled that Washington state cannot force pharmacies to sell Plan B or other emergency contraceptives. The state’s true goal in adopting the rules at issue was not to promote the timely access to medicine, but to suppress religious objections by druggists who believe that such drugs can have an effect tantamount to abortion, U.S. District Judge Ronald Leighton said in his ruling Wednesday."


Let's just begin with that.

No, wait. Let's start with this: I took Plan B One-Step last summer.

When I first thought about writing this blog post, I thought, "Oh no, my dad people will know I had sex!" That speaks volumes about this country's current obsession with sex outside of wedlock. But, good grief, I'm 38 years old. I'm pretty sure I'm allowed to have sex if I want to. Yes, yes, I know, I am contributing to the destruction of society. But, hell, maybe that society is full of puritanical, hypocritical bull shit and someone needs to destroy it.

I have been married. I don't think I want to get married again. Should I enter a freaking convent? Should I never, ever have sex again? (For that matter, should any woman who is incapable of having children refrain from having sex?)

I think not. If I want to have sex with a super hot guy or my soul mate George Clooney, I'm going to do it, dammit.

Anyway, there seem to be people who are honestly confused about how birth control works or how Plan B One-Step works. It is not an abortificant. It does not END a pregnancy. It prevents a pregnancy from happening. It is a highly useful medication in the event of some unforeseen event that involves the malfunction of a prophylactic or, let's be frank, the malfunction of your brain.

If you think I did something tantamount to an abortion on that day last summer, 12 hours after having sex, you are a MORON. I did nothing worse than what millions of women do every day when they take hormonal birth control pills. Plan B One-Step works by preventing the release of an egg from the ovary or preventing fertilization of the egg by sperm (male reproductive cells).

I don't really understand what's happening in this country right now. Suddenly Republicans have stopped talking about the economy and, instead, are all up in the lady business. The news of late makes me honestly afraid for the reproductive rights of women in this country. This isn't just about abortion. This is about how we get pregnant, how we avoid getting pregnant, and what we choose to do in the privacy of our own homes.

When I finished writing my book, I went into a mild depression. I think this is partially because I have no idea what's next. Plan A is to get my book published.

But now I know what my Plan B can be. I can stock up on birth control. I can hoard it in my basement in the event of some insanity that involves "personhood" amendments and the outlawing of hormonal birth control. I can become the freaking Harriet Tubman of Contraception.

I'm going to dress like Harriet, too. See that bag there?It's filled up with birth control pills, my friends. So, all you folks who like to have sex without the risk of conceiving children every damn time (and I know that's pretty much all of you other than the Duggars), when the Zombie Rick Santorum™ Apocalypse arrives, you know where to find the goods.


  1. Economy needs fixing? Nah, we should focus on Satan and women's sex lives instead. BTW, you should hoard contraceptive sponges like Elaine Benes.

    1. You know who is most definitely NOT sponge-worth? Rick Santorum. Ugh. If there's anyone who should not procreate, it's that man.

  2. Replies
    1. Thanks, Mom. When the zombie apocalypse begins, I'm going to set up a storage building chock-full of contraceptives on your property!


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