Friday, February 10, 2012

Friday's Random Thoughts -Extra Special Douchebags and Ballz Edition

My mom calls Jane's design "two sets of balls." Yep.
For the last time, Jane Seymour, no one wants your butt-ugly open heart necklace!

Nothing makes me want jewelry less than jewelry store commercials.

Kind of like how nothing makes me want to be married less than hearing about people's marriages.

Recently, a married friend of mine said, "Well, I don't hate going home anymore."

"That's a ringing endorsement," I said.

Then we laughed.

Because, otherwise, it'd just be really sad.

Happy Valentine's Day, suckers.

Banter is Bull Shit

This is going to be the title of one of the chapters in my latest book project, A Girl's Guide to Douchebags. I've roped some friends into this project, too. (I warned you, Stephanie, Tina, and Erin.)

Here's one of the things women should know: If a guy is constantly texting or emailing you for months on end, but he never actually asks you out, he's a douchebag.

If he only texts you late at night after he's had a few too many? He's a douchebag.

If he texts you while he's sitting next to his wife? OHMYGOD, HE'S A DOUCHEBAG! Stop texting him back.

He's using you for some cheap (and, might I add, completely pathetic) entertainment. All that cutesy, back-and-forth banter? Stop it. It's ridiculous. You're too good for this d-bag. Put the phone down and pick up a book or something.

Tina recently said this about that sort of thing: "He has her right where he wants her, caring about his goings-on and his texts and him not giving two shits about hers. [Then when it's time to actually meet out in person] him not even showing up. 'Ho hum...I think I'll take another hit off this bong and fondle my ballz.'"

Famous Douchebag

John F. Kennedy was sort of a disgusting human being, wasn't he? Yep. He was.

Mimi Alford writes about her "affair" with the president in her memoir Once Upon A Secret. I put affair in quotation marks because what these two people had was a sick service arrangement in which one person was the leader of the free world and had all the power (and no problem abusing said power) and the other person was a sad, little fool.

Within days of going to work as an intern, Mimi was having sex with Kennedy.

But there was no kissing because, apparently, JFK was the Pretty Woman of American politics.
Big mistake. Huge.
Alford writes that at least twice Kennedy told her to service other men. When he told her to service his brother, Teddy Kennedy, she declined.

If a guy asks you to service other men, including his disgusting brother, (say it with me now) he is a douchebag.

If cell phones had been around back then, JFK would have been texting you some bull shit while he sat next to his wife. "Ho hum, Cuban missile crisis what? Please come over and fondle my ballz. LOL."

Now, have we heard enough about this damn family?

Unless Zombie Marilyn Monroe™ comes back from the grave and writes a memoir about her affair with Zombie John F. Kennedy™, I don't want to hear one more thing about these people.

If your daughter is an angry brat, you have yourself to thank...

This guy grosses me out in a serious way. Everything about him is distasteful to me. His attitude. His anger. His hat. His cigarette. His face. His voice. Seriously, he's like the anti-Clooney.

Let's first look at the delightful hypocrisy of showing his daughter how wrong her public Facebook rant was by posting, uh, a public Facebook rant. Well done, dumb ass.

Sir, the only lesson you have taught your daughter is the ever-popular "Do as I say, not as I do" and that, if you're angry, you should find something to destroy with a gun. Great lesson, douchebag.

Guns are not a part of my parenting methods. If they're a part of yours, please live very far away from me.


  1. I always thought the "open hearts" design reminded me of Ice-T's wife CoCo...boobs and butt.

    I rank them both on the same level of class.

    1. Yes, I've always called it the boobs and butt necklace! But once my mom said "two sets of balls", that's all I could see!

      I honestly think we should start a project and, if we ever see an Open Hearts necklace out in the wild, we'll record it. I have this theory that no one really buys them and that Kay Jewelers are just desperate as hell to empty the warehouse where the necklaces are all stored.

  2. Yeah, that guy is mentally unstable. You can just hear him stumbling over his partially concealed, blinding RAGE. Bet he's a real great guy behind closed doors. [cue nightmare music]

    1. So many people were praising this guy, but it seemed pretty obvious to me that he's probably really difficult to live with. Honestly, he gives me the serious willies.

  3. That'll be the title of the next book in the Self Help, subject matter: "HELP me stay away from douchebags" section of Barnes and Noble....FONDLE MY BALLZ


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