Tuesday, January 17, 2012

20 Impossible Things for People Under 18

OK, so they can't vote yet. They can't run for office. They can't join the military. They can't fathom what the hell you were thinking when you permed your hair in the '80s. They can't understand the pleasure of a Michael McDonald song. They can't name all four Beatles. They think you're insane when they ask you what's for dinner and you say, in your best Peter Brady doing his worst Humphrey Bogart, "Pork chops and applesauce."

What the hell good are these kids?

During my nearly 16 years so far of living with people younger than 18, I have observed that they also are absolutely incapable of doing any of the following:

1. Brushing one's teeth without being reminded.

2. Brushing one's teeth without spraying foamy toothpaste all over the mirror.

3. Brushing one's teeth for more than 30 seconds.

4. Fully closing the peanut butter jar.

"But why does it matter?" "I don't know, kid. Bitches be crazy."
5. Fully closing the kitchen cabinets. There's just no excuse for this unless you are the kid from The Sixth Sense and dead people are trying to get your attention.

6. Fully closing the kitchen drawers.

7. Fully closing bedroom dresser drawers.

8. Fully appreciating everything their mothers do for them.

9. Tossing out the empty milk or orange juice carton instead of putting it back in the fridge.

But they'll hang the towels like this.
10. Finding things that are in plain sight without first yelling for the nearest adult with a uterus.

11. Cleaning one's bedroom without acting as if it is the most unreasonable request in the history of the world.

12. Hanging up wet towels. However, if you ask them, they will hang the towels but only after sighing very heavily.

13. Putting away the pile of clean clothes you just folded. Instead they will rummage through the pile until every last item is no longer folded and they can no longer distinguish between the dirty clothes pile and the clean clothes pile.


My mom is losing it over a hoodie. LOL. Send.
14. Dressing appropriately for winter weather. Why do you want to be cold? Why? I don't get it. Look how nice you look in this lovely pea coat and scarf. Why do you insist on wearing only a hoodie?! Fine! Go ahead! If you silly dumb asses want to freeze at the bus stop, Be. My. Guest.

15. Dropping a backpack anywhere other than right inside the front door so that everyone who arrives at or leaves the house might have the pleasure of tripping over it.

16. Emptying one's cereal bowl rather than leaving it in the sink to congeal into nasty, artificial cocoa-flavored sludge.

17. Scraping one's plate into the trash can without covering the lid of said trash can with half the contents of one's plate.

18. Resisting the urge to call one's brother an idiot.

19. Resisting the urge to tell one's sister she is ugly.

20. Resisting the urge to tell one's mother that she is lame. I am not lame! I just love a good Michael McDonald song.

Come on, kids, groove with me now. And, for the love of God, could you please close the cabinet doors?!

25 comments:

  1. Love it!!! Glad to know I'm not the lone parent with children who cannot grasp these concepts! LOL

    ReplyDelete
  2. You definitely are not alone! I feel your pain! : )

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh my---I ALWAYS say porkchops and applesauce in the bad Humphrey Bogart voice and I am the only one in the house who is laughing. I dont even think Todd remembers that. It is good to know there are other lame moms like me out in the world. AND---what the hell is up with hoodies????? I love a cute coat and scarf but don't look for that on any of my kiddos--if you ask me hoodies are for men running up and down bleachers (think Stallone in one of the 80 Rocky movies)in winter doing some kind of training, not everyday wear but that is just my lame opinion.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Saved as a favorite, I really like your site!
    My homepage ; Free porn videos and naked girls hardcore sex

    ReplyDelete
  5. I visited several websites except the audio feature for
    audio songs existing at this site is really fabulous.
    Here is my site ; nude girls

    ReplyDelete
  6. When I initially commented I clicked the "Notify me when new comments are added" checkbox and now each time a comment is added I get several
    emails with the same comment. Is there any way you can remove people from that service?
    Bless you!
    My webpage :: free Porn Pictures

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm really impressed with your writing skills as well as with the layout on your weblog. Is this a paid theme or did you modify it yourself? Either way keep up the excellent quality writing, it's rare to see a great blog like this one nowadays.
    My web page ; amazingteenbabes.com

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'm really impressed with your writing skills as well as with the layout on your weblog. Is this a paid theme or did you modify it yourself? Either way keep up the excellent quality writing, it's rare to see a great
    blog like this one nowadays.
    Also see my web site > amazingteenbabes.com

    ReplyDelete
  9. Wow, fantastic blog layout! How long have you been blogging for?

    you make blogging look easy. The overall look of your website is excellent, let alone the content!
    Also visit my web-site :: naked drunk girls

    ReplyDelete
  10. I think what you said was actually very logical.
    However, what about this? suppose you typed a catchier title?

    I am not suggesting your information is not solid., however suppose you added a post title that grabbed people's attention? I mean "20 Impossible Things for People Under 18" is a little boring. You could peek at Yahoo's
    front page and note how they create post titles to grab people to open the links.
    You might add a video or a related picture or two to grab
    people interested about what you've written. Just my opinion, it might bring your website a little bit more interesting.
    Also visit my weblog : www.teenpornpost.com

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hi, I do think this is an excellent website. I stumbledupon it ;) I may return once again since
    I book-marked it. Money and freedom is the greatest way to
    change, may you be rich and continue to help others.
    Here is my blog post ; www.teenpornpost.com

    ReplyDelete
  12. Hi there, I wish for to subscribe for this blog to
    get most recent updates, thus where can i do it please assist.
    Also see my website :: click the up coming document

    ReplyDelete
  13. It's an awesome post in favor of all the web viewers; they will obtain benefit from it I am sure.
    Here is my web page : free porn

    ReplyDelete
  14. Amazing blog! Do you have any recommendations for aspiring writers?

    I'm hoping to start my own website soon but I'm
    a little lost on everything. Would you advise starting with a free platform like Wordpress or go for a paid option?
    There are so many options out there that
    I'm completely confused .. Any recommendations? Thank you!
    Here is my site : sachin biography

    ReplyDelete
  15. Hi there, I found your site via Google at the same time as searching for
    a similar matter, your website came up, it looks good.
    I've bookmarked it in my google bookmarks.
    Hello there, simply become aware of your weblog through Google, and found that it is really informative. I am going to watch out for brussels. I will appreciate in case you proceed this in future. Many folks will be benefited from your writing. Cheers!
    Take a look at my web page : hookah bar in Orlando

    ReplyDelete
  16. Malaysia & Singapore & brunei ultimate on the internet
    blogshop for wholesale & quantity korean add-ons, accessories, earstuds,
    pendant, rings, bangle, bracelet & hair accessories.
    Offer 35 % wholesale discount. Ship Worldwide
    Feel free to visit my blog ; www.unemployment.ohio.gov

    ReplyDelete
  17. Malaysia & Singapore & brunei finest online blogshop for wholesale & supply korean add-ons, accessories, earstuds, choker, rings, hair, bracelet & bangle add-ons.
    Offer 35 % wholesale price cut. Ship Worldwide
    Feel free to surf my web page :: xbox 360 repair

    ReplyDelete
  18. Malaysia & Singapore & brunei greatest on-line blogshop for wholesale & quantity korean
    accessories, earrings, earstuds, locket, rings, bracelet, hair & bracelet
    add-ons. Deal 35 % wholesale discount. Ship Worldwide
    Here is my blog post : cérebro

    ReplyDelete
  19. Hi there everybody, here every person is sharing these kinds of experience,
    thus it's good to read this weblog, and I used to visit this blog daily.
    Also see my page: Acupuncture

    ReplyDelete
  20. If some one desires to be updated with most up-to-date technologies
    after that he must be pay a quick visit this website and
    be up to date every day.
    Also visit my weblog ... Cheap YouTube Views

    ReplyDelete
  21. I'll immediately clutch your rss feed as I can not in finding your e-mail subscription link or e-newsletter service. Do you have any? Please permit me recognize so that I may subscribe. Thanks.
    Also visit my web blog ... DSL Anbieter

    ReplyDelete
  22. I blog frequently and I really thank you for your
    information. The article has really peaked my interest.
    I will take a note of your site and keep checking for new details
    about once per week. I opted in for your Feed as well.
    Here is my blog post ; DSL Anbieter

    ReplyDelete
  23. Hi, Neat post. There is a problem together with your site in internet explorer, could check
    this? IE nonetheless is the marketplace leader and a huge part of folks will leave out your fantastic writing because of this problem.


    Feel free to surf to my site; how to file a trademark online

    ReplyDelete
  24. What's Taking place i'm new to this, I stumbled upon this I've discovered It positively helpful and it has aided me out loads. I hope to give a contribution & help different users like its aided me. Great job.

    my weblog electric cigarettes

    ReplyDelete
  25. This post is actually a good one it helps new web visitors, who are wishing for blogging.


    Also visit my web-site :: 411 pain Florida truth network

    ReplyDelete

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.