Tuesday, January 17, 2012

20 Impossible Things for People Under 18

OK, so they can't vote yet. They can't run for office. They can't join the military. They can't fathom what the hell you were thinking when you permed your hair in the '80s. They can't understand the pleasure of a Michael McDonald song. They can't name all four Beatles. They think you're insane when they ask you what's for dinner and you say, in your best Peter Brady doing his worst Humphrey Bogart, "Pork chops and applesauce."

What the hell good are these kids?

During my nearly 16 years so far of living with people younger than 18, I have observed that they also are absolutely incapable of doing any of the following:

1. Brushing one's teeth without being reminded.

2. Brushing one's teeth without spraying foamy toothpaste all over the mirror.

3. Brushing one's teeth for more than 30 seconds.

4. Fully closing the peanut butter jar.

"But why does it matter?" "I don't know, kid. Bitches be crazy."
5. Fully closing the kitchen cabinets. There's just no excuse for this unless you are the kid from The Sixth Sense and dead people are trying to get your attention.

6. Fully closing the kitchen drawers.

7. Fully closing bedroom dresser drawers.

8. Fully appreciating everything their mothers do for them.

9. Tossing out the empty milk or orange juice carton instead of putting it back in the fridge.

But they'll hang the towels like this.
10. Finding things that are in plain sight without first yelling for the nearest adult with a uterus.

11. Cleaning one's bedroom without acting as if it is the most unreasonable request in the history of the world.

12. Hanging up wet towels. However, if you ask them, they will hang the towels but only after sighing very heavily.

13. Putting away the pile of clean clothes you just folded. Instead they will rummage through the pile until every last item is no longer folded and they can no longer distinguish between the dirty clothes pile and the clean clothes pile.

My mom is losing it over a hoodie. LOL. Send.
14. Dressing appropriately for winter weather. Why do you want to be cold? Why? I don't get it. Look how nice you look in this lovely pea coat and scarf. Why do you insist on wearing only a hoodie?! Fine! Go ahead! If you silly dumb asses want to freeze at the bus stop, Be. My. Guest.

15. Dropping a backpack anywhere other than right inside the front door so that everyone who arrives at or leaves the house might have the pleasure of tripping over it.

16. Emptying one's cereal bowl rather than leaving it in the sink to congeal into nasty, artificial cocoa-flavored sludge.

17. Scraping one's plate into the trash can without covering the lid of said trash can with half the contents of one's plate.

18. Resisting the urge to call one's brother an idiot.

19. Resisting the urge to tell one's sister she is ugly.

20. Resisting the urge to tell one's mother that she is lame. I am not lame! I just love a good Michael McDonald song.

Come on, kids, groove with me now. And, for the love of God, could you please close the cabinet doors?!


  1. Love it!!! Glad to know I'm not the lone parent with children who cannot grasp these concepts! LOL

  2. You definitely are not alone! I feel your pain! : )

  3. Oh my---I ALWAYS say porkchops and applesauce in the bad Humphrey Bogart voice and I am the only one in the house who is laughing. I dont even think Todd remembers that. It is good to know there are other lame moms like me out in the world. AND---what the hell is up with hoodies????? I love a cute coat and scarf but don't look for that on any of my kiddos--if you ask me hoodies are for men running up and down bleachers (think Stallone in one of the 80 Rocky movies)in winter doing some kind of training, not everyday wear but that is just my lame opinion.

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