Sunday, November 20, 2011

Live Blogging...A Typical Sunday Night

I love when people live blog during awards shows. I thought about doing that during the American Music Awards. But, normally, I spend Sunday evenings having an internal freakout over the direction in which my life is headed, whether I've completed all my weekend chores, and worrying about whether or not I'm going to accomplish what I want to during the week ahead and pessimistically thinking the answer is no.

Sundays suck.

The Sunday Night Depression is a well-known phenomenon. In the many months I've gone without a job, I've discovered that you don't need a job to feel it. Monday mornings are still a bummer. Sunday nights are still a time of reflection and pondering the future without a trace of perspective. Perspective is in short supply up in here.

So while I live blog the American Music Awards, I'll live blog my typical Sunday night. Note: I started late and I recorded the first part so my time is off because I'm fast forwarding...a lot. And sometimes I'm pausing to tell my children to please go bathe.

Taylor Swift. Fast forward.
Justin Bieber. Fast forward.
The Band Perry. Fast forward.
Fast forward, fast forward.

8:20 PM Luda! Luda is really too cool to be hanging out with Enrique.

8:22 I find this gospel choir thing interesting since one of the versions of this song is "Tonight, I'm f*cking you." Yep, classy.

8:25 I just realized there's one more load of laundry in the dryer. (sigh) I don't want to go to the basement and get it. Now I have to try to think about what's in there. I think it's a load of towels. Why can't I ever seem to finish all the laundry by Sunday night?

8:30 "Did they say George Lopez or Jennifer Lopez? That was a serious question but thanks for laughing," Jacob says. "I'm pretty sure that's Jennifer," I say.

8:32 Product placement is out of control. Like I believe J Lo would drive one of those cars. Or drive at all.

Fast forward, fast forward.

8:41 I hate the holidays. All I ever do is worry about disappointing my children. Tonight, Kate said, "Mom, I decided I don't want an iPad. I just want a new cell phone." Thank God. Only a miracle was going to bring that girl an iPad.

8:42 This guy singing about a "good, good life" sounds pretty bad. Jacob is offering me half his brownie. I said no but he's trying to talk me into it. "I'm not trying to fatten you up or anything. It's good for the Sunday night depression."

8:43 My son is awesome.

8:44 I had a list of things to do this weekend and I didn't do all of them. I was too busy driving Kate and her friends to the mall and to the movies to meet up with their boyfriends. How did my daughter get so old? How did I get so old? Oh, f*ck, here's Taylor Swift again. I don't know why I find her so annoying. I'm sure she's perfectly nice.

8:46 Nicki Minaj just won another award. Did you see this awesome video from the Ellen show?

8:51 Do you think Marc Anthony and J Lo talked backstage? "There's Justin Bieber and that Will Smith child," Jacob says. 

8:54 Someone spray-painted a lace doily with silver paint and forced Heidi Klum to wear it tonight. 

8:55 Katy Perry is performing. Kate Mercer is singing along until the camera shows Katy's outfit up close: "What in the...?!" Kate says. Have you seen this? It's totally crazy. Katy Perry is going to look like Paula Deen in 30 years. Or right now. 

9:02 Fast forward, fast forward. I'm pretty sure God has gotten the most shout outs tonight. Good for him. He really doesn't get enough credit for helping half-dressed pop stars and rappers win pointy, crystal awards. 

9:05 Robin Thicke and who? 

9:06 Have you ever noticed that everyone pronounces Rihanna's name with an "ah" sound except for Rihanna herself? 

Fast forward.

9:08 Maroon 5 is performing. "Everyone sounds horrible live!" Kate says. 

9:10 Christina could use one more pair of Spanx, methinks. "Why are her boobies so big?" Kate wants to know. "They're not that big. They're just hanging out of her dress," I say. 

9:13 Thankfully, school is out all this week. I love having a break from asking children if they have homework and, if so, have they done it. "Really? All of it? You're sure? OK. Have you brushed your teeth?" There's never a break from asking about dental hygiene. 

9:24 Bruno Mars just won. I love his new song. I sing it loud in the car and I feel about fourteen years old when I do it. It's from the Twilight:Broken Hymen soundtrack but I won't hold that against Bruno. The soundtracks are the only decent things about those movies. 

9:25 Showing me a military mom coming home to her children will not make me shop in your soul-crushing store, Wal-Mart. 

9:34 "Never mind. I changed my mind. I still want an iPad," Kate says. 


9:36 Whenever I hear this Black Eyed Peas song, I think of Kathie Lee saying, "Dirty bit." This is what happens when you don't have a job and you watch the fourth hour of Today

9:37 I know kids can't always get what they want. I know this. But I have serious issues with not wanting to disappoint people. One of the problems with being a child of divorce is that you can become a people pleaser to the detriment of yourself. Honestly, this can be bad for the people you're trying to please, too.

9:40 Oh, J Lo, no. That side ponytail with the scrunchie is not a good look. 

9:42 This music sounds like electronic farting.

9:44 "Who are those old people, Mommy?" 

9:45 I have a fantasy about getting a job at the library like my friend Tina or at a bookstore. Well, this fantasy is in second place behind my fantasy of getting a publisher to buy my book. 

9:46 New Year's Eve. It's going to be a really stupid movie. That's my prediction. 

9:48 Dancing with the Stars commercial. If JR Martinez loses to Rob Kardashian, the terrorists win. 

9:50 I'm sick to f*cking death of Taylor Swift looking surprised when she wins. It's getting so damn old.

9:52 LMFAO is performing. Kate just whispered to me, "I know what their band name stands for." 

9:54 OH MY GOD. Justin Bieber, what is happening here?

9:57 The smiley face on that guy's drawers looks just like Taylor Swift when she wins an award.

9:59 Some things just can't be explained. The origin of the universe. The writing career of Danielle Steele. The appearance of David Hasselhoff in smiley face underwear. 

I think it's bedtime. Have you brushed your teeth yet? 


  1. Your mother says watch your language, young lady. Otherwise, love your satirical view of life. Keep it coming. Love, Mom

  2. But, Mommy, I f*%&ing hate Taylor Swift! Isn't it ironic that a grown woman who pretends to be so sweet and innocent and acts like an overgrown teenager makes me want to curse like a sailor?


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